3.30.2005

Denver

Okay, today started out really badly. I intended to blog about it, but I couldn't actually log in to Blogger this morning. So I was saved from myself. My day improved as it went on. Right now, I'm sitting in a hotel in Denver with my loan-a-fish, whom I have named Bertie. The hotel loans you a fish for your stay, if you request one. I've gone shopping, picked out a white suit for my 10 year college reunion, and have attended the hotel complimentary wine hour and chatted with other people. I'm obviously changing as I get older. A few years ago, I would have hid in my room and not even ventured out for complimentary wine. Needless to say, the only thing I missed out on was the complimentary shoulder and upper back massage during the wine hour, but I'll survive. If I had more time tomorrow, I would go to the hotel spa, but alas, I have to return home after my meeting.

K is doing better than she has been over the past couple of days. She vascilated between rage and depression and is constantly worried that she is no longer in bipolar remission. Actually, I believe she still is in remission and these mood swings are within the tolerance for normal/remission. That said, it still doesn't make it any easier on me.

This morning I was thinking that normal couples must get up in the morning and not be immediately challenged with rage and anger. I still believe that, but I'm feeling less sorry for myself than I did 14 hours ago. Urgh, 14 hours, I better head down and get some dinner.

K is continuing to struggle with the job situation. She's rightfully angry over it, but the anger has been preventing her from going to work and impeding her daily activities. I'm hoping that tomorrow she'll be able to go to work. Her original plan was to work from home, while I was out of town. However, the work in the basement has begun again, and they are stripping lead paint with acid. Needless to say, it isn't so pleasant to stay in the house right now.

I'm frustrated and angry with K's struggle. I'm ready for our life to be stable, and I occassionally wonder what I did in a previous life to have earned this one. But that isn't fair. I love K and she brings out traits in me, which otherwise would be buried. She brings out mhy personable and playful side. She refers to the old L as remote and distant.

Okay, turn down service is to arrive in 30 minutes. I need to head out and find myself some dinner.

3.29.2005

Rough Waters

The job situation is starting to have a more direct impact on K. Today she didn't even discuss the possibility of going to work. She said that instead of the beast scrabbling at the door, it had broken through and taken over. Her face has the pinched, scrunched look that it takes on when the pain is too great.

More frightening, K speaks of killing herself. She was angry with me for not remaining at home with her today. As I turned to leave, she would let me get to the first landing and say "I want to die." What am I supposed to do? I returned to the bedroom and spoke with her, but I refused to play along and stay home. However, I'm facing rising feelings of anxiety.

My anxiety is increasing, as I planned a trip to Denver tomorrow. I'm flying out tomorrow and returning on Thursday evening, so it's only one night, but . . . Also, I feel I can't cancel. My manager is aware of K's illness, but I know he's thinking about some classes I want to take later this year, which require me to be gone from home a week or two. Once we schedule the classes, someone has to take them or we lose the money. I've reassured him that everything is fine at home, and I hate to have to caveat my reassurances. However, if I have to I will, but I'm also tired of giving up my plans in order to take care of K. Last year, I had to give up a trip to Hawaii to present research, because she wasn't well enough for me to leave for a week. When does it end?

I'm banking on K only talking about hurting herself and that she won't actually go through with it. I know she's extraordinarly angry with me for leaving this morning. I'm hoping to talk to her therapist and develop a plan and also determine the severity of this bout. I keep reminding K that it's only a day. A day doesn't mean that she has sunk into the throes of a bipolar episode.

I'm angry that her job is causing her to spiral and I'm fearful of the consequences.

3.27.2005

Edgy

I've only been out of bed for two hours, and K even less than that, and I feel as if a blow-up is in the making. The sad part is that I don't know how to defuse it. While reading the paper, K seemed angry. Then she decided to go back to bed, I guess. I'm actually not certain what she's doing.

None of this solves our issue that we have errands to run in order to prepare for the week ahead. Errands like a trip to the pharnacy, as all bipolar patients know. We seem to spend lots of time at the pharmacy getting prescriptions filled. Likewise, we have to do the grocery shopping. However, no grocery shopping can occur until we agree on what we want to eat for the next few days. I think I'm heading out of town for work for one or two nights, and K will have to figure out her own meals for those evenings.

Weather sucks, so I don't even want to get out of the house and walk the dog, who thoroughly deserves a walk. She hates it when K and I argue. It is easy to see the stress as she noses against each of us, hoping that our tones will be less strident. During K's worst period of illness, the dog dug up the entire backyard. I assume it was to relieve her own stress, and it did make my spring planting a bit easier last year.

My only hope is that the day will turn out better than I am predicting.

3.26.2005

Stressed (yet again)

The stress of K's job situation is starting to affect us more. The weekends feel as if they have turned into battlegrounds. She has more time to brood on the situation and I have more time to wish that she weren't thinking of it at all. Normally, we don't fight. But lately, we're fighting over small things.

Last weekend, I went off about our sex life. Today, I was pissed that I'm the one, who handles the majority of the cooking. She helps, but basically, I plan the meals and am the catalyst to them actually being cooked. K is a ball of rage about the situation at the office. And, to make things worse, our neighborhood has been wild lately.

I've said before that we live in a gentrifying area. Sometimes the area is less gentrified than others. Even though the houses are all over half a million dollars, we still fight the drug dealing, noise, and trash of the inner city. Thursday night, we had a friend, who is the chief of staff for our city council member, over to dinner. He was shocked by the level of noise out in front of our house. Friday night, we called 911 twice to report drug dealing, drug using, and public drunkenness. I love our neighborhood, but some days it takes more from me than others. I'm able to block out much of the trouble, but K frets and becomes angry. The combination of her job anger and the neighborhood anger is not a good mix.

Basically, I stick to my usual belief that we will make it through this mess. We still don't have a lawyer, as none of the law firms have called us back. However, we've also heard that her office has continued to make changes to the organization. Hence, her position may be placed back on the org chart. Her management has become cagier and is not sharing the new org chart with anyone, even their first-level managers. No one is supposed to know anything until the final copy is made public.

I'm venting. I hate the uncertainity. Good news is that I made it to the gym today. 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer, 5 minutes running, and painful ab exercises. I'm feeling compelled to go to the gym, as my 10 year college reunion is in 2 months. I would like to be more toned than I am at the moment. I've been managing twice a week, and I would like to convince myself to go more frequently. I'll see.

3.23.2005

New York Times Hypomania

The New York Times had an article on hypomania and bipolar disorder, which also happens to be the most e-mailed article in the past 24 hours. It appears that people are eager for information on the disease.

One of the things that I found fascinating in the article that they say bipolar disorder can be reliably diagnosed in 2% of the population, which seems high. But the article speaks more positively of hypomania than many bipolar sufferers would and almost makes it seem to be a desirable, productive condition.

3.19.2005

Lawyers

We have begun the search for a lawyer. I had to convince K that she needed to start trying to contact lawyers, now that we had received a number of recommendations. She wasn't enthusiastic, but she did start making a couple of calls on Friday afternoon after I bribed her with a shamrock shake.

The frightening bit of information was that one lawyer charges $450/hour and the initial consultation to determine if you even have a case is $900. My God, it makes psychiatrists look cheap.

The first thing she had to do was talk to a paralegal and lay out the facts. The paralegal will take the information back to a lawyer and if the firm is interested, they will call her next week. Basically, she's interviewing to even have the opportunity to pay a lawyer $900. Unbelievable. Guess I should have gone to law school instead of grad school for public policy.

The costs of this endeavor are frightening to me. We have to talk about what we are willing to pay out, but I fear it may be in the $15,000-$20,000 range. Youch! The other option we discussed is going to HR, the union, or EEOC. HR always appears to be disorganized and they don't inspire much confidence. Likewise with the union. The members and representatives appear to be unreasonable and both of us have doubts about their effectiveness. That leaves the EEOC lawyers, who may be worth contacting. At least they wouldn't charge for the consultation.

Once again, K is doing well. She's functioning, but the thought of dealing with all the red tape of talking to lawyers or EEOC is overwhelming to her. The good thing is that she is working up her anger to fight for herself. No longer is she willing to let everyone walk on her. She needs to believe in herself to be able to effectively make a case for her job.

Like being thrown into the medical world, this is baffling to me. I have fortunately not had to confront any potential reorgs or job loss in my position.

We spent some time today with one of K's cousins. All of K's family is baffled when they see our extraordinarily urban neighborhood, compared to the tight-knit ethnic enclave where she was raised. It usually isn't a bad comparison, only a great contrast between the two neighborhoods.

I'm doing okay. K's job situation has me somewhat unsettled. I suggested that we hold off on putting in central air until we have a better feel for what her job situation may cost us and what the results might be. But generally I'm doing well. What I need to do is make a greater effort to go to the gym and work out. Working out is the best way I have to work through my anxieties and not let them bother me.

3.18.2005

Relative Calm

My week has been busy. I felt overwhelmed and harried at work, and there's a possibility that things will just be worse over the next few weeks. It isn't decided yet if we have to take on an additional project. Besides work, K and I were out two nights in a row and then I went out alone a couple times, so last night was the first time we had been able to curl up together and catch up. Instead of talking, I ended up taking a short nap on her shoulder when I got home after work.

I've been very concerned with K's job situation. She spent most of the week out of the office and is working at home today, so she hasn't had to confront it head on. I'm concerned that the stress and anger surrounding her job could trigger a bipolar episode. So far my fears are groundless.

She's handling it with aplomb. There's an undercurrent of rage and she says her reserves are strapped as she keeps the rage in check, but her mood has been upbeat and cheerful. She's still intending to pursue the lawyer option and we've gotten the names of five attorneys in the area, who deal with the Americans with Disabilities Act and employment law. Last night we put together her pitch, so she knows what to say when she calls them.

The work on the basement is progressing at a snail's pace. The contractors began using Peel Away to remove the lead paint from the walls. Unfortunately, it appears to be the first time they have used it and they have lots of questions. I spent a few minutes with them this morning before heading to the office to explain that you have to wait 24 hours before removing the stuff. Otherwise, the chemical reaction won't have had time to remove all of the paint. Silly things like that, which if they read the directions, would be evident. Urgh. Someday we'll have our house back.

3.14.2005

Ayelet Waldman

She's back at Salon with a first column addressing blogging and bipolar disorder, probably of interest to those of you who read this blog. She compares blogging to shouting your life out loud. The frightening part is that she was close to suicide and was crying out to the world in one of her posts by talking about the statistics. I remember reading it thinking that the numbers are against people, but I didn't link it to a cry for help. What else do I miss when I read others' blogs?

One thing I do try to do is not blog in real time. If K and I have a disagreement, I usually wait until later to blog. I don't like writing in the heat of the moment, even when a delete key is readily available. I need to be fair to both myself and to K.

K's doing much better. The job is still an unknown, but she's handling it better. She brooded through parts of the weekend. Finally, yesterday I asked her to come back to me and not let the job uncertainty dominate all the time we have together. She pulled herself together and we had a good afternoon. Furthermore, she got up this morning to head to the office without any apparent difficulty.

I find it easier to deal with the uncertainty if she's not upset about it. I'm convinced that things will work out, but I also need her to be convinced. She says that there is no way she's up to changing jobs or environments at the moment. So we'll hope that we can work it out with this one.

Note: I found a new blog today, though it may have found me a while ago. Just Tenured is another bipolar blog and is well-written and amusing.

3.12.2005

Pinched Look

The weekend has been a bit rough, thus far. When K got up this morning, she has the pinched look on her face. It is when there are two deep furrows between her eyes and her face muscles are so scrunched up that my face aches in sympathy for her. The rage she feels over her job situation is taking a toll on her.

Fortunately, today was also her appointment with her therapist. The woman can work wonders on K. By the time the session was over, K was in a reasonable mood and able to think of ways to handle the rage and continue to go to work. That is one of the amazing thing. Instead of hiding in bed, K's preferred method of dealing with things, she's continued to go to work every day. A sure sign that the medications are working.

I'm sure we'll get through this, but it will take a toll on us both.

3.11.2005

Rough Patch

K's and I are going through a rough patch. Not with our relationship, but with K's job. The office is going through a reorganization and the latest org chart, though not yet released, does not have K's position on it. This does not mean that she'll lose her job, rather she'll be placed in the dunce division, where those people are placed, who no longer have a specific job.

K lacks confidence when it comes to her abilities at work. She's very capable and does an excellent job, but she is insecure. Being written out of a position strikes at the heart of her insecurities.

I'm not helping her much, as this whole thing is freaking me out as well. Instead of coming home and being supportive yesterday evening, I came home and cried in her arms for an hour. It feels like too much. She was holding together really well through the chaos of reorganization, until the news came that they appear to have eliminated her position.

Of course, this version of the organization has not been made public. We're thinking about trying to fight it. When she was ill for so long, we've heard that there was pressure to force her into a medical retirement. Naturally, the thought occurs to us if this is her management's way of getting rid of her given her history of illness. All the "what ifs" keep swirling around.

What frightens me the most is that K is shutting down. Today is our day off and instead of getting up to do things or even to go out to breakfast, she's laying in bed and speaking of "going away". I'm very concerned that despite the reassurances that she's doing well, the job situation may be enough to throw her back into a bipolar episode.

The thoughts also come to me that we've survived so much, how can the job shatter us when the illness didn't? I don't know if the job thing will shatter us, I doubt it. However, it certainly has the ability to wound us.

At work, I have a daily calendar with New Yorker cartoons. Yesterday's was a man counseling his six year old son that "When life hands you a lemon, go find a lawyer." It may soon be time to take that advice.

3.09.2005

Psychiatrist Update

It was a nice, bland visit to the psychiatrist. Regrettably, K had received some bad news at the office several hours prior to the visit, so she had downed a xanax to keep herself under control. But, she was in full control and not overly emotional throughout the visit.

He's very happy with her progress and continues to pronounce her in full remission. No changes to the med routine and another three months until the next visit. I can't imagine anything better when you're bipolar than a positive visit to the psychiatrist. Okay, perhaps that's a bit of an overstatement, but still. . .

K's job situation is getting her a bit down. There's some discussion about eliminating her position, but she won't lose her job. Rather she'll be put into limbo. Nothing definite as of yet, but she hates the not knowing what's coming next.

3.07.2005

Trip to the Psychiatrist

Today's the trip to the psychiatrist. He let K go for 3 months this last time and I know she's going to try and push him for even more time until the next visit. I don't have any problem with it, as she's been very stable.

The good thing is that there is basically nothing to report to him. K's not happy about her weight, but that is the extent of her issues. No problems with the meds or anything else.

My energy level is better than it has been for a while. Maybe it is that I made it to the gym this morning, and I'm feeling the self-satisfaction of working out; however, I believe there is more to it than that. It could be that spring is starting to show itself, albeit slowly. In a couple weeks, the tulips will be blooming, the air will be a balmy 60 degrees, and everything will start to grow. It's good that I finally got around to pruning my Japanese maple and rose bushes on Saturday.

Okay--I'm babbling. I'll report the visit to the doctor tomorrow.

Trip to the Psychiatrist

Today's the trip to the psychiatrist. He let K go for 3 months this last time and I know she's going to try and push him for even more time until the next visit. I don't have any problem with it, as she's been very stable.

The good thing is that there is basically nothing to report to him. K's not happy about her weight, but that is the extent of her issues. No problems with the meds or anything else.

My energy level is better than it has been for a while. Maybe it is that I made it to the gym this morning, and I'm feeling the self-satisfaction of working out; however, I believe there is more to it than that. It could be that spring is starting to show itself, albeit slowly. In a couple weeks, the tulips will be blooming, the air will be a balmy 60 degrees, and everything will start to grow. It's good that I finally got around to pruning my Japanese maple and rose bushes on Saturday.

Okay--I'm babbling. I'll report the visit to the doctor tomorrow.

3.01.2005

Imagine

What would it be like to have a blood test for bipolar disorder? No more guessing games, hoping that the psychiatrist is right this time, and you aren't running down another medication maze for weeks before realizing that you don't have disorder x and maybe you just might have disorder y.

Being able to clearly identify that there is something physiologically different about you and it isn't just "in your head." Would that test be able to take away some of the stigma that bipolar patients suffer from? Be able to prove that you aren't "faking it" or being told to "get over it."

The idea of proof, something to wave under the noses of the doubters seems to me as if it would be boon to those individuals.

Moodswing writes and provides links to an initial study that looks at the accuracy of a blood test for bipolar. The first steps are being taken.

Diminishing Irritations

The irritation that I described over the past few weeks is diminishing. The cause was unknown and the reason for the lowered irritation is also unknown, though K and I are taking more care with our interactions. It becomes easy to snap back with a response or lose my temper that I forget I have power over my reactions.

K's remains stressed about the job stuff, though she's beginning to work on the process of reapplying. I was torn between trying to push her, so she would feel better after getting something done or leaving it to herself to work it through with her own initiative. I pushed a bit, but I did recognize that she must make her own plan and figure it out without my assistance. It isn't fair to her if I try to do it all. She reached the same conclusion and told me on Sunday how she's going to approach it. She'll put the materials together before asking for my help.

A basement update: On Friday they poured the floor to the basement. It took the contractors 4 months to reach this point, and only 45 minutes to pour the floor. Anti-climatic. But. . . it's in and they are beginning to work on the brick this week. With luck, we'll be done by the end of March. We have a large ceremony being held in May to celebrate the property, so the push is on to make it look good before then.

I'm sort of groggy today, as I took a sleeping pill last night. K gave it to me and I couldn't tell (being blind without my glasses)if it was a whole or half. The way I feel this morning makes me think she gave me a whole tablet. I asked, however she couldn't even remember having given it to me last night. I'll wake up at some point.

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