synergy

Rough Waters

The job situation is starting to have a more direct impact on K. Today she didn't even discuss the possibility of going to work. She said that instead of the beast scrabbling at the door, it had broken through and taken over. Her face has the pinched, scrunched look that it takes on when the pain is too great.

More frightening, K speaks of killing herself. She was angry with me for not remaining at home with her today. As I turned to leave, she would let me get to the first landing and say "I want to die." What am I supposed to do? I returned to the bedroom and spoke with her, but I refused to play along and stay home. However, I'm facing rising feelings of anxiety.

My anxiety is increasing, as I planned a trip to Denver tomorrow. I'm flying out tomorrow and returning on Thursday evening, so it's only one night, but . . . Also, I feel I can't cancel. My manager is aware of K's illness, but I know he's thinking about some classes I want to take later this year, which require me to be gone from home a week or two. Once we schedule the classes, someone has to take them or we lose the money. I've reassured him that everything is fine at home, and I hate to have to caveat my reassurances. However, if I have to I will, but I'm also tired of giving up my plans in order to take care of K. Last year, I had to give up a trip to Hawaii to present research, because she wasn't well enough for me to leave for a week. When does it end?

I'm banking on K only talking about hurting herself and that she won't actually go through with it. I know she's extraordinarly angry with me for leaving this morning. I'm hoping to talk to her therapist and develop a plan and also determine the severity of this bout. I keep reminding K that it's only a day. A day doesn't mean that she has sunk into the throes of a bipolar episode.

I'm angry that her job is causing her to spiral and I'm fearful of the consequences.

posted by synergy @ 9:04 AM