Quiet
Surprisingly, things have been quiet this week. K is facing a situation at work, which could put anyone into a panic, especially given her bipolar disorder. Her organization is facing the challenge of a massive budget cut, and 14 people, out of 60 in her office will have to go. The rest are in the process of reapplying for their jobs.
K has been handling the situation with equanimity. Personally, I believe she's well-qualified and won't be put in a position of possibly losing her job, but . . . . Even knowing that it is a possibility can be nerve-wracking.
As part of the process, the organization is requiring everyone to apply for three jobs. The application process is more complex than the simple submission of a resume. Rather they have to write detailed essays addressing their particular skills and qualifications for the position. All of this needs to be completed by March 11 and the selection process is to conclude around the end of April.
K has expressed some nervousness, but mostly she's taken it with humor. A year ago, this may well have signaled the end of her career, because she would have been driven to a medical retirement. Now, she is able to handle a very stressful situation.
Her attitude has kept me from worrying too much. Emotionally and financially it would be devastating if she were to lose her position, but we would work through it.
The next two weeks, we'll be working on the job applications and I'll be helping K get through this difficult patch.
Bad Morning
Below is a post that I began writing over a week ago. Fortunately, her rage was short-lived, but it still takes a toll.
When the construction equipment rental company kicks off your morning by dropping off a small backhoe in front of your house at 5:30 am, chances are that the am is not off to a good start. It was one of these mornings, when K woke up already in a rage. I asked once or twice if she was getting up or wanted me to make her breakfast, and all I received were grunts in return.
As I was completing my preparations to head out the door, she stormed downstairs, angry that I had even opened the drapes. She expressed concern/paranoia about people watching her through the windows. I believe she worries too much, but our local drug dealers are occasionally edgy when someone sits in our front window to chat on the phone or read.
The worst part of the morning was the anger she felt towards me, because I wasn't able to willing to stay home with her today. First, things have been busy at work with a variety of projects all which currently require me to pay attention to them in the office. Second, I have little desire to stay home with her, when she's blinded by rage. Her course of action was to take a xanax and go back to bed. Why do I need to stay home as she spends the day sleeping? Sometimes, I do stay with her, but it wasn't possible today.
I hate the explosions and the unexpectedness of going from a good evening to a miserable morning. I know she fights to contain her volatility, but it still spills over.
Occasionally, I feel as if this blog is too antiseptic and I gloss over the more difficult aspects of the disease. So, I wanted to include this post, as I do become angry, hurt, and furious with K's behavior. Those feelings don't last long, but when they do occur, I want nothing to do with her. I desire only to be left alone.
Survived
We survived the family outing in Atlanta and meeting up with my father and his wife. It actually went fairly well, other than K having to leave the table at dinner rather than losing her temper with my father. He was going on about the subject of visualization and the school of thought, which believes you can improve your health through visualization techniques. K viewed it as tantamount for blaming the patient for their own illness. I don't believe that is what he meant, but it could have been interpreted that way. His wife is a psyche nurse, so I'm sure that they had a discussion about it on the 7 hour drive back to Florida.
Any case, the good thing is that we survived without too much trauma. I had envisioned that I would be in tears fairly soon after arrival, and that didn't occur at all.
Any case, we're home again. K's still lounging in bed, but she'll have to get up soon, as her therapy appointment is in less than 2 hours.
Weekend Report
We're halfway through visiting with my father, a trip both of us were dreading. I love my father, but he has the ability to push my buttons and piss me off beyond belief. He hasn't managed to do so yet, but he'll have another opportunity at dinner. The good thing is that K and I are being less irritable with one another than we have been in a while. She's getting worn down by the travel, as evidenced, by her sitting in a chaise lounge next to me and dozing at the moment. We have another hour before we have to meet up to head to dinner, so we're taking advantage of the break and reating up.
My dad's wife is a former psyche nurse, so she has lots of experience and sympathy for K's bipolar disorder. We were discussing things with her today regarding K's struggle to find pain killers that don't interact with the bipolar meds. Thus far, the only thing anyone recommends is aspirin, which has a tendancy to make K's ears ring, if she takes it too frequently. It also doesn't do too much for her pain. Not ideal, but apparently the best one out there.
Okay, we're heading back to the airport at noon tomorrow to head home again. Then Monday is our recovery day and K's opportunity to see her therapist before we are back in the office on Tuesday. The good part is that Friday is our usual day off, which means only a three day week. A three day week, provided I don't have to work at the last minute on Friday.
Bipolar & Children
Yesterday, the
Washington Post published an article discussing the trend of diagnosing young children with bipolar disorder. I know too little about the disease and about raising children to have any opinion on the matter.
All I can think of is that the pain and challenges of her disease, because she mature enough to handle them. Mature is the wrong word, but she understands what's happening and knows how to ride out the mood swings, through the pain. I can't even imagine a young child being thrown into the world of bipolar and having only a very limited ability to even understand normal moods, much less try to control extreme bipolar epidsodes.
Here's the
article. Once again, it highlights the dangers of medications and that medications tested only on adults are being administered to children.
Off-Balance
Things have been odd lately. Neither of us has felt great, be it slight stomach issues or exhaustion, which hasn't helped. But lately K's been exceptionally grouchy and snappish, which is unusual for her. Previously, she was the one, who would deflect my irritation and make a joke of it. Now she quickly becomes impatient and irritable, even with the smallest of tasks.
I have no idea where this irritation originates. Neither does K or if she does, she hasn't admitted to it. What I will say it is takes a toll on my ability to deal with her. I don't take well to being snapped. The other day it was for having disconnected a computer cable and leaving it on the desk rather than reconnecting an unknown cable.
K is frustrated by the reappearance of her menstrual cycle, especially as she is unable to take any ibuprofen to help deal with the pain. It seems as if things are in some sort of flux and it isn't clear where they are heading.
It doesn't help that we're headed out of town over the weekend and neither of us is thrilled about the trip. Urgh.
Post-Hospitalization Support
Blondzila writes about the twin concerns of being released from the hospital before a patient is stabilized and patients not taking medications regularly. Both are serious concerns, especially for patients with little or no support network to assist with their recoveries.
When K was released from the hospital after
her first visit to the psych ward, the hospital provided no new prescriptions or even instructions as to her care. After release, she rapidly spiraled downwards into a psychotic state was was readmitted four days later in a much worsened condition. This cycle took a toll on her and probably slowed her recovery. Even after her release from the second hospitalization, I believe that the daytime program she attended as an outpatient deserves a large share of the credit for her subsequent recovery.
This downturn occurred with an individual, who wasn't as ill as many patients on the ward. K had a strong support system of friends and family to help her recover. She is religious about taking her medications and had the added benefit of an outpatient program.
Even with all her advantages over the average mental health patient, K fought hard to return to being a productive member of society. What happens to patient without those financial, emotional, and medical resources? Where do they go and what support structures do they receive from their state, city, or local government to help them heal and be independent? I fear and know that the answer is that they receive little, if any support. Rather they remain trapped in their hell of mental anguish. It is the wrong answer for a civilized society to give to the mentally ill.
Improvements
The sky is clearing. K has been at work the past two days and is starting to feel better again. I'm off the pill and my mood is improving as well. Tiredness remains a constant companion for us both, but it's the weekend and we'll be able to relax.
My struggles lately have had an underlying current of restlessness. I'm unable to pinpoint the cause. However, the feeling pervades my senses. I can't even say if it is a professional or personal restlessness. I feel dissatisfied with my job, but I can't figure out what would be better. I'm unhappy about the state of the house, but I can't change anything till the basement is finished. Yes, that project continues to drag on. I've wanted to exercise, but haven't been able to drag myself from my bed in the morning to do so. Result: A feeling of dissatisfaction with myself and circumstances.
Right now, I should be happy with my job. I'm heading up a couple of projects, which are high profile. I'm busy, doing good work, and stimulated. But it doesn't seem to be what I want. The same goes for a number of things.
K's noticed my feelings and believes it has more to do with the lack of light and the slightly gloomy period of winter. The whole interlude with the birth control pills that past three weeks hasn't helped my moods any.
Things are improving, but I guess I'll need to put some thought into what I want.
Inexplicable Hurricane
Blips, I tell myself they are only blips across a tranquil green landscape. The blips take the form of a raging thunderhead with billowing black clouds accompanied by lightening and torrential rain. Sometimes, like a downpour, they run across the landscape and quickly depart, other times it is a more sustained storm similar to a hurricane, cyclone, or monsoon. I fear that we are entering into a hurricane.
When I awoke at 6 am, (no trip to the gym this morning) K told me she was a quivering ball of rage. She got up and took her meds and wanted me to grant her absolution from the office. It was clear she couldn't make it, but it isn't for me to judge. She needs to make the decision and accept that her decision is correct. I pushed her to call her therapist and work it through. I received grudging agreement to check with her therapist this afternoon.
Once again, in the back of my mind, did our weekend trip cause this downturn? There is a pattern that after we travel she misses a few days of work. Our next trip is scheduled in 2 1/2 weeks, a short two night jaunt out of town.
My reaction to K's troubles was more muted today than recently, as my irritation hasn't surfaced today. We agreed that I would stop taking the Seasonale in hopes that it's the pill creating a downturn in my mood. I'm rarely irritable and down and extended periods of a week of moodiness is exceptionally rare for me. I'll see. I can always fill the prescription and start taking it again, if I choose to do so. I'm definitely not on the drug for the primary benefit of birth control.
K's situation has me baffled and slightly concerned. I assume that she's having a blip, but these storms can have a frightening intensity before the sun reappears. But she is taking the right steps and controlling it.
Build-up of Frustration
My irritation continues to increase. Yesterday, K stayed home for work and slept most of the day. I tried to accept that between traveling over the weekend and her period, she was exhausted.
Last night, she had nightmares and took a .5 mg xanax at 4:30 am, not the thing to do with a 6 am wake-up call. By the time she dragged herself downstairs about 35 minutes behind schedule, I was irritated with her and she was fighting back a rage. Rather than having me wait, she suggested that I get going to make it to work on schedule.
At 10:30 am, I called the house to discover she's gone back to bed. Then a moment later, I received an e-mail from her boss asking if she was okay and able to work today. It was addressed to K, but she cc'd me. I called K again to let her know that her manager would like to hear from her. I could write a quick note to K's manager, but I prefer to put the pressure on K to do so. She's a professional not a grammar school student, who requires her mother to write a note to her teacher.
I'm trying very hard to let her do whatever she needs to do, but in my mind all I can say is "Why doesn't she have to get up to go to work, like I do?" Why can't she function normally and get up and go to work and not be only able to pass out at the end of the day.
Maybe I need to be able to accept that there are always going to be these days. But I'm not at that stage of acceptance. Yes, I remain angry about her illness. Not every moment, but when she goes through bouts of staying home, it manages to piss me off. I don't possess enough self-knowledge to understand why I react this way.
In the end, I want to burst out crying and hide. I can't and won't.
