Aimless Weekend
It's a four-day Memorial Day weekend, and both of us are off balance. No discernible reason, expect it's possible that PMS is taking a bit of a bite. Yesterday we seemed to spend the entire day sniping at one another. It would go underground for a few hours and then one of us would explode about an absurdly minor issue. Today is a bit calmer, but we still feel somewhat directionless.
It doesn't help that Rolling Thunder is in town and it makes it difficult to go out and do things. However, we should be able to make it to the pharmacy and grocery store without running in to too much traffic. If we can get the motivation to do even that.
Yesterday, we stopped by Whole Foods and picked up a bone-in roast and a buffalo steak for dinner. Neither of us had the motivation to cook either item, so we're having them for dinner tonight. I don't know if I will like the buffalo steak, but though it was worth trying. This morning, I dragged myself and the dog out to the part for a long walk. I was successful in exhausting the dog. She passed out in front of the fireplace on her blanket. After the run she had this morning, it may take her two days to recover. In addition to getting to play off leash, she was able to wade in the creek. In a couple months, the water will be too dangerous to let her go in. Some parasite or algae grows and is poisonous to dogs, but it is still early enough in the season to let her play.
I'm babbling. I hope that I'll feel better soon.
Memorial Day Weekend--Friday
Today is starting to seem like the first day of summer. Despite the earliness of the day, the air already feels sticky and humid. Not a big surprise, since the summers here are miserable with humidity. The bigger surprise is that it has taken until Memorial Day to feel this way. Actually, we've had a lovely drawn out spring. It almost seemed unnatural that the weather was beautiful for weeks on end. Not the norm. But I would expect that we will begin to revert to more normal weather patterns again.
K and I have no specific plans for the weekend. It's a 4 day weekend for us--wooo hoooo! We have today off and don't have to return to the office until Tuesday. Lots of little things on the to do lists, but nothing big and distasteful. We are looking forward to doing things around the house over the next few days.
My week has been confusing. Nothing to do with K, but the job situation is confusing. From Tuesday through Thursday, I attended a training course in another facility. Part way through the day on Tuesday, I was told by someone else that I was being moved to a different job. All the information went along with a possibility that I had been exploring, but I hadn't told anyone about it. That the gossip chain had picked it up showed that there was probably something actually happening.
No date has yet been set, but I am moving up to share a Chief of Staff job with someone else. It's significantly more power and influence in the organization. An organization that is in serious flux. The only thing I hear from everyone is that there is no one to actually do any work, because we are so understaffed. And we are in the middle of a round of buyouts.
I'm excited to be switching jobs, though I am still resolved to leave the organization entirely. I'm hoping that this assignment will help me make more contacts to achieve that goal. What hit home is how happy I have been for the past two years in my current office. As I have said, my office is being disbanded and many of my favorite people have left or will leave, mostly retiring, in the next month. But this week, I ended up crying over what I am going to be losing/missing. I'm not the only one. My office is going through the grieving process as well. It's very difficult going through all the changes.
K has been slightly concerned about me. She knows that I am grieving for my office. But it has also manifested itself into a grief for what happened with her between the heart attack and the spiral into bipolar disorder. As we watch TV shows, on either DVD or through iTunes, I overreacted when a character is killed off. This past week, I break out into uncontrollable sobbing. I don't think it is fear over K. Instead, I believe that I am mourning the days when I didn't know enough to be frightened.
K's illness opened up an entirely new world of possibilities for me. That sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it is true. I didn't know enough to be frightened. No one in my family has died or even been ill. I've never been exposed to the fear and uncertainty that comes when a loved one is confronting the unknown. K's illness exposed me to the feeling of vunerable. I think I am crying because when I see someone on TV die, I can imagine how their friends and family feel. Actually, I can probably only imagine a piece of what they feel, but that is enough to make me break into tears. I don't want to feel that way. K's dragging me off to her therapist tomorrow to discuss this together.
Another topic, which may be on tomorrow's therapist agenda, is my job change. One of the things that has discouraged me from changing jobs in the past few years has been K's illness and resistance to change. My current position and the previous position have allowed me the flexibility to leave at a moment's notice when K has needed me. Fortunately, that hasn't been necessary for almost two years. But for about a 15 month period, it was very important. The other thing that she has relied upon is my giving her a ride to work and up until last summer a ride home. She works within two miles of the house, but K has fought taking the bus for years. This past spring, she began to take the bus home. She picks up a transfer and provides it to me as a voucher to set up the coffee for her every night. It's a way to reward her for taking the bus.
This job switch will require K to change her commuting habits. She will have to take public transportation both ways to work. I will as well, but I am looking forward to it. The biggest difference is that she isn't too upset about it. I know she's concerned, but we are talking through different ways she can do it. Right now, she trying to convince me to go out of my way, so she doesn't have to take the bus alone in the mornings. I would prefer not to, but I may do it for a little bit to make her feel better. The fact we can even have the conversation and discuss the alternatives is a huge change.
Sometime later . . .
Something happened this morning. It may be PMS, but I'm not sure. We had a personal training session set for 10 am. K got up and ate breakfast. Then it was as if a switch was flipped in her brain and she began to struggle mentally. Ultimately, she didn't even make it to the training session. She took half a xanax and went back to sleep. I hope this was a very temporary blip and that it is not indicative of how the rest of the weekend will be. Though, if things are bad tomorrow again, she has an appointment with her therapist. I'll have to remind K that this will be her three year anniversary with the therapist. K saw her for the first time 3 years ago on Memorial Day weekend. I remember K was extremely doubtful and I was surprised that anyone would be seeing clients on the Saturday of Memorial Day.
Okay. . . I did make the personal training session. He works me much harder when K isn't there. Between sets, I usually stand gasping for breath. What he does is string three or four exercises in a row and keeps me moving from one to another. I need to go have lunch.
By the way, I posted my e-mail address in comments a while ago, but here it is again. synergylk@gmail.com Feel free to e-mail if you would like.
Weekend
I'm trying to be a bit more regular about writing. I enjoy it and it is an opportunity to reflect. This is my only chance to do so at work, as the rest of the week I will be in training with no access to a computer. My Blackberry keeps tabs on my e-mail, but no surf capability from the Blackberry.
It was a good weekend. About halfway through preparing the Friday dinner menu, I feared that I may have undertaken more than I could handle in two hours. But it all came together at about 2.5 hours. Only criticism was that I put too much salt in the biscuits for the strawberry shortcake. I'm not sure if I can blame the recipe, since I didn't actually measure the salt. I dumped it in my hand and poured it into the dough.
K's schedule was definitely disrupted Friday. Our guests stayed until about 1 am. We went through 2.5 bottles of wine and I ended up somewhat hung over the next morning. Not terrible, but it has been a long time since I was careless enough to get a hangover. The bad part about it was that we got up at 9 am and had a personal training session at 10 am. Against all odds, I did feel better after the session.
Saturday, we spent in the backyard. I planted my little plants in the borders, we cleaned up a broken flower box (assholes keep running over the bricks and shattering the box). We have the biggest parking spot in the alley. So when people with large vehicles roar down the alley, not bothering to find out if they can exit at the other end, (they can't), after reversing down the alley, they use our spot to turn their overgrown, gas guzzling pigmobiles around. Yes, it is a sore subject. My flowers have been ruined, the motorcycle hit, and our fence almost torn from the ground by these people who cannot maneuver their vehicles in small places. Why do you need a huge SUV when you live in a city that has snow once a year?
Back to business--K and I were extremely productive outside. It was great. Then in the early evening, a friend came over and he and K tried to get her motorcycle started. It hasn't been run in several years. The bike wanted to start, but just couldn't quite pull it off. K was disappointed by not distraught, which is a huge change. For a couple of years, she couldn't even uncover the bike because she was so upset by how it looked. When she moved here the bike was in perfect condition after living for years in a garage. But here, it is kept covered outside. Perhaps, if it is running and she wants to keep it, we'll spring for indoor storage next winter.
On Friday, we are intending to get a tow truck to take it out to the cycle shop that we've selected and leave it for them to work on. After it's running, we'll take the time to straighten out the plates and inspections. Bureaucratic mess that we usually don't get in to, but it happened this time.
Saturday evening, we ended up hosting another small dinner party. Seems like even making burgers, baked beans, salad, and appetizer all took a lot of work. Not quite such a late night, but 11 pm is late enough if you are accustomed to being asleep by 10 pm.
Sunday was another beautiful day. We headed out to Home Depot and loaded up the car with mulch. K got a hedge trimmer that she's coveted for ages. I have no clue what she's planning to do with it, as we have no hedges in sight. But I won't let her buy a chain saw, so this may be the surrogate.
I spent a couple hours weeding and mulching the front yard. Amazing difference. This year, I went with the black mulch instead of the regular. I'm tired of the mulch fading and looking icky after a few days. I'll see if the black mulch continues to look good for a longer time. I am not a fan of Home Depot, but we had gift cards and the Lowes is way too far away.
This morning, we both bounded out of bed and headed to the office. Actually, I didn't quite bound. I took an ambien last night and was too tired to make it to my am workout. But I did make it to work on-time, and that counts for something.
K and I both commented throughout the weekend, how much we were enjoying the time together and the luxury of being able to work on the house and appreciate the weather. K was also able to do a lot more, partially a benefit of her weight lifting and increased physical activity.
Dinner Party Tonight
Tonight we have some friends coming over. We get along well with the couple, who now have a new baby. Always an excuse to drink, in my case. But we share a number of interests and always end up having a good. For a long time, we would only manage to see each every 6 months, despite living less than a mile apart. But recently, we've decided to make a concerted effort and schedule dinners every six to eight weeks.
As I mentioned, K has been in a foul temper. Even this morning, she was on the irritable side. But this afternoon on the phone, she's sounding more like her well-tempered self. That should make this evening more entertaining.
I've been working on the menu and need to go shopping after work. I am cutting out of work early. It's my early day anyway, I only worked 8 hours today. Normally, I put in 9 to get an extra day off. It's off to Whole Foods to pick up for food for the following menu. I've been hitting the William Sonoma site for the recipes.
hummus and toasted pita (hopefully, I won't burn the pita in the oven this time. Last time I set off the smoke alarm.)
Goat Cheese stuffed cherry tomatoes Coconut Lime ShrimpZucchini and Tomatoes BakedColeslawStrawberry ShortcakeSince I haven't actually even purchased the ingredients for any of this, I need to get my tail to the store and get home to start cooking. Though, it shouldn't be too difficult to pull off in a couple of hours.
I'll also be breaking out the
Wokka. Last time, these guys just had a taste and then I ran out. But we have a new bottle. Very difficult to procure. It has to be shipped in from
Chicago, because no one sells it around here. But the stuff is amazing. I really wanted to try some of the cocktails this time, but I'm not sure that I'll have the opportunity. I may just have to stick with the tonic and lime combination, which is excellent and simple.
Well, I need to run. Wish me luck on the cooking.
Mild Flashback
This morning was a slight flashback to a couple of years ago. Nowhere near the extreme intensity, but still a tinge of the past. It makes me wonder how I ever survived K's illness.
K's been suffering from bad allergies. Though the weather is cool, we keep the a/c running in our bedroom and in the downstairs to try and filter out some of the pollen as it enters the house. Regardless, she's been in quite a bit of pain from her sinuses and her head is very congested. She missed work last Friday, this past Tuesday, and again today. Today, she fortunately had a doctor's appointment to have them take a look at her. With luck, they will prescribe something to take away her discomfort.
But K was on the edge of anger today. Rage is actually the more accurate word. Yesterday we had a brief spat about something minor. Then this morning it felt as if I had to be very tentative to keep her from exploding. I pointed that out and she did acknowledge that she was struggling. I hate those moods. I hate feeling as if I'm going to be yelled at regardless of what I do. It occurs infrequently these days, but I hate all of it.
I left to head off to work. Not that I was terribly enthusiastic about going. I'm the only member of my work group under 55, and retirement is starting to sound good. My perspective is distorted by all these guys, who will retire in the very near future. About a block from the house, my cell rang. K was calling to see if I would call in sick and spend the day with her.
Her call was a sign that she was feeling pretty awful. Alternatively though, I dislike the pressure to change my schedule and stay with her. I told her that I had a deadline (which was the truth) and suggested that she take a xanax and return to bed. She did that.
I checked in around noon to make sure that she was up and ready to go to see the doctor. She was and sounded a bit better, but we didn't speak for more than a moment.
I don't know if it's the pain from the allergies or if she's having PMS or what is impacting her mood. She normally takes Paxil to control the PMS symptoms. A few months ago, she moved from taking it a few days a month to taking it daily. But the past couple of days, she stopped taking it. Paxil interferes with her libido and she was tired of it. She will take it when she suspects that PMS is lurking. I suggested this morning that her mood may be a result of the lack of Paxil. She was going to take it again today and see how she feels. It seems to work fairly quickly. Libido versus evil temper--it's one of those faustian trade-offs that people with bipolar are constantly negotiating. Do I want to remain poor and unknown and let god have my soul or do I sell my soul to the Mephistopheles and become wealthy and famous? Do I want to be interested in sex and have an evil temper so no one will want to be near me or do I want to be well-tempered and not be interested in sex? What a choice.
June is fast approaching. The past three Junes have been bad. I don't know why. It's been different reasons each year. I'm hopeful that this year it will break whatever curse is on that month. I'm busy planning to go strawberry picking to make jam and strawberry cake and strawberry soup. Yum! Last year, I pick 11 pounds. I think I might do a bit more this year. Then I would have some extra to freeze. But I won't make the mistake of leaving the freshly picked berries in a parked car with the inside temperature exceeding a 100 degrees. The berries were okay--but I'm pretty sure that they would have been better without the heat bath.
Things will get back to normal. I'm feeling fussy and whiny for a number of reasons today. I wrangled an invitation to a breakfast tomorrow morning to go with a friend. He writes to me today that he is being sent to Dallas for the weekend. Now, I'm trying to decide if I should still go, since I am not actually in the invited group. But the head of my larger organization is speaking and I'm trying to worm my way into his office as a chief-of-staff. I'll consult a co-worker or two and see what they think.
Sunday Afternoon
I feel as if I have been neglecting this blog. Actually, there's no question about it. I have been neglecting this blog. But it seems as if out life has picked up its pace and we are busy doing other fun things. However, I am taking the time to post this afternoon.
It's raining outside. Spring has been beautiful. Normally we go from 50 to 90 digress within a few days. But all of April and May have been wonderful. The temperature is in the 60's or 70's, no humidity, and long beautiful days. I have not taken advantage of the weather as I should, but I am appreciating it. I just paid all the bills. I have no idea how we manage to spend so much money keeping a household running. When I first moved out into my own apartment back in 1997, I had $1300 a month after taxes to pay everything. Now, with well over five times that amount of money available every month, it still seems as if we spend it all. Fortunately, the retirement and savings amounts are all pulled prior to the money hitting our bank account. But I am needlessly griping. It's due to extravagance like going out to dinner three times in the past week that we spend so much. Lately, we have been very good about cooking at home, but the past few days we were either with other people or out and about.
That brings me to my best news. K is doing wonderfully. It struck me the other day that she is much more comfortable with herself. The constant self-hatred that she had battled ever since we met and long before I knew her has gone. It's replaced with a feeling of confidence. She's not always happy with everything that she does. For example, she's not happy about her weight. But she feels able to change it and doesn't have deep self-hatred about it. Part of it is working with the personal trainer has made her realize that she can change her body and she is physically capable of doing things. But the change really stems from the work that she has done with her therapist over the past three years.
I told K all of this. I also told her therapist during her session yesterday. Her therapist confirmed my observations with her own. K's therapist believes that K will soon be able to only come see her when there's a problem. K's not sure that she's quite ready to be released from therapy, but they are going to once every three weeks.
I hope that I don't regret these feelings of happiness and optimism. I don't believe I will, but I do feel slightly superstitious about K's illness.
The two of us remain disgustingly happy. May 5 was the 5th anniversary of our commitment ceremony. We went to the mountains, but only stayed one night, as the pollen was so bad neither of us was able to breathe. K's still suffering this weekend. Right now, she's curled up in bed trying to feel better. I suffered throughout the weekend, but have started to feel better over the past few days.
My job search is continuing. No word from the three applications that I have submitted, but it usually takes about 8 weeks before there's a chance of hearing anything. It hasn't been eight weeks for any of them yet. However, my current organization keeps offering me alternatives. Most of them have been unappealing, but last week they finally presented one that does interest me. I am curious to see if it actually comes through. I am hoping so, because the position has a number of advantages. 1. Closer to home. 2. Developmental opportunity 3. I won't have to work for the SOB, who I worked for a few years ago and will have to work for again beginning in July. 4. Work should be more engaging. 5. I will have significantly more power in the organization in the new position, though it won't technically be a promotion. In the end, it won't be enough to make me stay, but it will be enough to keep me happy while I look for something else.
I am thoroughly sick of my current commute. I could take public transportation, but that lengthens my commute from about 75-90 minutes to about 120-150 minutes. 2.5 hours is much too long to spend commuting, though I would be able to read. The challenge of the commute is that my office is not within walking distance of the train. Once I am dropped off in the deep suburbs, I have to then catch a shuttle for the last few miles. The shuttle only comes every half-hour and takes another 10 minutes. It adds quite a bit of time on the end of an already long trip. But driving is becoming increasingly more challenging. Traffic has worsened, so it can take me 45-60 minutes to get home at night. Also, not a fun way to end a long day. Best answer, and the one that I am working towards, is to find a job in the city. I keep hoping one will soon materialize.
Yesterday, K and I had a fun day. A colleague of mine gave me tickets to see Golda's Balcony. I didn't know and still know very little about Israel during the 70's, but the play was excellent. Valerie Harper was a one-woman show playing Golda Meir. She did an excellent job and it was thought provoking. Guess I need to do some reading on my history. We attended the matinee and then headed over to another part of the city to hang out and wait for another friend to join us for dinner. It was good. K asked me on the way home, if I am still frustrated by our lack of activity. I had to laugh. It's the opposite. Instead of doing nothing, we are doing so much that the house is a mess.
After returning home, we headed out to sit on the front porch and watch the pedestrian traffic and the neighborhood. It was tranquil until the several police officers suddenly ran by us with drawn weapons. At that point, we decided we were better off in the house. We never did figure out what happened. I'll have to e-mail the Ltd. and ask. But the police helicopter spent about 30 minutes searching the alley behind our house and our backyards with their searchlight. The police entered a couple buildings across the street, but in the end no arrests were made. Usually, there is a gun shot or yelling or something before the police show up. This time, it was perfectly calm until patrol cars and officers materialized from the darkness. And we had just been talking about how the neighborhood is getting so much better. Well, it is, but there are always a few set backs.
My mental state is good. I am happy and content. I would like a new job, but that has little bearing on my general state of mind. I begin to wonder if the title caregiver even applies. My thought is that it probably does not. K doesn't need a caregiver any more. I only hope that she never will need one again. I can't decide if I am being realistic or lulled into complacency. But over the past few years, I never would have believed that we would have reached the point where we are today.
