8.29.2005

I am so safe. . .

There's a saying that one in four people have mental illness. Look around at your three closest friends and if none of them are ill, look at yourself. Just living with K, I ought to be perfectly safe, but after Friday there's no question about it.

I went to coffee on Friday morning with a close friend, R. He's K's symbiotic twin and R's partner is my symbiotic twin. R has battled with depression on and off for years, but refuses to take any medication for fears of what the impact to his sex drive would be. These days, he is in school in a different city and only comes home during vacations. For the record, he and I are the same age, although he would make a point of mentioning that he's six weeks younger than me. Though he has more gray hair. I'm digressing.

During coffee, we talked about the depression he's been in all summer and he comes out with the statement that part of the time he just wants to die. More information than I was planning on digesting with my morning caffeine intake. We talked about medication and he's more open to the idea than he has been. He realizes that he's ill and needs some help. On Sunday, K encouraged him again to find a psychiatrist and get some help. I'm hoping he'll make the calls, but he's been talking about it for a month or more.

That afternoon, I had an outing with my professional development group. We went inner tubing on a river, though there could have been more water. Everyone's' butt was scraped a few times. The drought has taken it's toll on water sports this season. I was tired and not in the best mood for an afternoon networking event, but I did fine and enjoyed the outing.

Heading home, I called K to check-in. She told me that one of our close friends, S, had had a breakdown and was in a psychiatric facility. Her mom had left a message on our machine with the name of the hospital, but it had cut out prior to her leaving the phone number. K spent over an hour trying to track the number of the hospital only to be told that they "could neither confirm nor deny" if S was a patient. K left a message, hoping for the best.

It turns out that S had some sort of psychic break. The doctors don't seem to be certain of the diagnoses, though they are playing with bipolar disorder, alcoholism, and something else. She's already been hospitalized for almost a week. K's been predicting for some time that S was flying too fast and too high and that the crash was imminent. Cassandra strikes again. [I've taken to calling K Cassandra after the Trojan princess, who was cursed to tell the truth and never be believed.]

We've talked to S a couple times, turns out K did find the right hospital. This weekend, we may head up there to see her, it's a couple hours by plane. S is dong well and feeling better. She moved away in March and I haven't kept in as close a touch, so I didn't see that things were heading for a collision. She does give me credit for pushing her, about 10 days ago, to talk to a doctor about her bouts with depression to try and get some help. But still, I feel somewhat as if I failed her. Though, I'm not sure what I might have done.

It appears that S will probably be released sometime this week. K's out of town till Thursday, but I'm looking at getting us tickets for Friday and heading up for a night to visit and offer support. S has been trying for years to get us to visit her home state.

The result of Friday is that I'm feeling battered and bruised. Friday night, I slept about 12 hours and remained groggy much of Saturday. K's doing fine, but what's going on with everyone else? Is this what growing up is like? My friends are reaching their early 30's and starting to fall apart.

I'm not in such bad straits as the paragraph above sounds nor am I actually that whiney. Reality and adulthood do feel as if they have struck hard recently.

8.23.2005

Further progress

K returned from her business trip on Friday and was completely wiped out. She reported that the group she's in, which is a developmental group, was referred to as "they". She's extremely angry, and rightfully so, that she's been put in this group due to her leave situation and not because she's lacking abilities. But even though the trip was worse than she anticipated, she recovered over the weekend and taking extra-long naps.

The stress from the burglary was continuing to take a toll. Every time we went to go online and realized that we had to go upstairs, we were reminded of the loss. On Sunday, our contractor agreed to purchase us a new laptop. We went and picked it up that afternoon. Since I was able to use my student ID card, we also received a free ipod with the computer. We're going to pass the iPod on to the contractor for his use, as he paid for the computer. We agreed to pay for the other items, once he replaced the computer. Now, our contractor is getting back into our good graces and he's making progress on our basement.

I would be remiss if I did not credit K for the actions in the paragraph above. She and I had been arguing about it and our emotions were running high. K picked up the phone, called our contractor, and laid out our frustration. She did not ask him to replace the machine, rather she asked what he would do about the burglary. He suggested replacing the computer himself. The replacement is helping heal the wounds.

K's security concerns have resurfaced. The new computer is locked to our radiator pipes and will remain locked down when we are not at home. I have issues with the idea of having to lock up our belongs when we aren't at home, but K is more comfortable with doing things that way. I no longer know where to draw the line, as I am starting to second guess myself on these things.

That's one of the most frustrating results of the past six months. I no longer trust my instincts. It feels as if every time I say things will work out or they will be fine or they can't get worse then the opposite happens. I don't know what to think or believe as everything I think appears to be wrong.

K's job situation has stabilized for a few more months. Her temporary assignment was to be completed by the end of September. She discovered today that it has been extended to the end of December. According to the management, this will give the management more time to get to know K and the other two people. I assume that there will then be a possibility of a permanent job at that point. If not, K will be returned to the temporary group and start looking for another job. It's not an ideal resolution, but it's positive. K also received extremely positive feedback as to her work.

Nothing in particular going on, but a few things swirling. K's working to convince me to accompany her on Saturday to her therapy appointment. She thinks that we both could benefit from the conversation and it will help ease my fears.

8.19.2005

Progress

I spent some time this morning reading through some of my posts from last summer. I can see the progression that K is getting better and that my emotional state is returning to equilibrium. Not to say it's always easy, but the bad times now aren't nearly as frequent or extreme as they were last summer. One thing I did realize is that I haven't given any updates on some of our projects lately.

1) The basement is still not done. It's been 9 months at this point, maybe 10. 2 of those months were lost getting permits and inspectors. I thought this was pretty bad, until I talked to a neighbor last night. Redoing his basement took 15 months, not including the time to get the permits. The good part is that the basement is looking good and we're approaching the end. A few things to do and then the carpentry work begins.

2) The living room and dining room projects have been completed, were completed months ago. They look great. We're entertaining again, as our house actually looks acceptable.

3) As I've written about, K's job is still in flux. We thought it would be settled by the end of September and although there are promising signs, things won't be finalized then. But she's in a supportive group and enjoying her work. As a precaution, she is thinking about other alternatives if this position doesn't work out, so she's preparing for the positive or the negative decision.

4) My trips to the gym are increasing again. I made it three times this week and went for a long walk with the dog one night. I can sense that it helps me mentally. My other goal is to start attending yoga weekly. When I have done yoga in the past, it's had a very soothing effect on my mind and psyche, in addition to the physical benefits of strengthening and stretching my muscles. My intention is to go to the Wednesday night yoga class at my gym.

I believe that covers any loose ends that I hadn't addressed in a while. K's returning from her business trip this afternoon. No big plans for the weekend.

8.17.2005

Evening out. . . maybe

After my last post, I thought I ought to update that things are going better. First, I really wanted to go to Germany and I'm thrilled to be going. My waffling on the trip was more due to how it fit into the schedule and whether it would be a problem to leave K for a week. We talked about it before I bought my ticket and realized that it should be fine. Now I have my ticket and trip insurance in case antyhing should happen.

My concern about K stemmed from her job situation. She should be finding out around the end of September whether she will be hired permanently into the office where she's working. If she is dumped back into the temporary assignments, I was worried she wouldn't handle it well, thus I would not be able to go out of town for a week. She's convinced me that she'll handle it either way and she's already thinking things through. Once I was convinced that she would be all right regardless of the job outcome, it made my decision to travel much easier.

Today, K left to go on her business trip. Her entire organization (even the people they have told to find jobs elsewhere, though no one is being fired) is going on a retreat together. She's been dreading this retreat for the past 8 weeks, so it's a relief to finally have it arrive. I think that she'll do fine, although I would have thought differently 8 weeks ago. I'm believing that she'll be okay and that she's able to roll with the punches again rather than getting knocked out each time. As she puts it, she has her tool kit of medications, xanax, ambien, and trileptal. She has routines to calm herself down and ground herself, if necessary. Her coping abilities and self-analysis abilities have been vastly improved with help of her counselor.

Each of these things is convincing me that I can let go and she can swim on her own. [This post is becoming cliche central.] After seeing K struggle for so long, it has been difficult for me to truly believe that she's well, but it appears to be the case. The bipolar shows up occasionally, but her coping skills have returned and she doesn't immediately panic. Of course, I may need someone to remind me of this when she has a bout of PMS, but when I look at the long term, she's doing fine.

Now, I'll start the work on myself and releasing the built-up stress, tension, and anxiety.

8.15.2005

2nd Guessing

I'm driving myself nuts and feeling very stressed. Not sure exactly why, but I've noticed some behavior in myself that I don't like.

I've decided to take a trip to Germany this fall. I've lived over there for 2 years (at separate times) and haven't been back since I left in 1996. Somehow, the timing never worked for me to go. I've decided that I want to go and it will be good for me to get away. Decision finally made, though I did keep going back and forth on it for a while.

I began to track airfares. Exceptionally high, $700 for a roundtrip, nonstop flight, urgh! I had been hoping for $450 max. Any case, I was watching the airfare, and there was a sale that ended on Friday. Being worried about fares going even higher, I decided to purchase Friday. Then I was slow, so the return flight I wanted was already upped another $100. Anyway you get the point. So I bought for $700. I look at the fares on Saturday and they have been reduced to $560, today they are back at the same price as last week. It's maddening!

The issue isn't the airfare, irritating though it is. It's my inability to make a decision lately without questioning myself 10 times. Previously, I would make a decision and that was it. No waffling. Now. . . I seem to spend ages equivocating. K's noticed it as well.

Additionally, K's job situation is getting to me again. I'm stressing that we don't know what's going to happen to her. Her group puts a lot of pressure on her and the rest of the people to go to career counseling and now financial counseling. Somehow I have an issue showing my credit report and score to financial counselors paid by my employer, along with other personal financial data. What they are trying to do is help people make the decision if they can afford to take a buyout. K's offered a number of times not to forward me the e-mails and today I asked her to stop forwarding them. I become too upset reading them. Instead, I would like her to tell me when we are together, so I can have instant reassurance. That said, her job continues to go well, but I won't believe anything till I see the signed paperwork transferring her to the new group. Hopefully, it will happen in the next six weeks.

The end result of all my muttering and whining throughout this post is that I'm stressed. I went to the gym on Sunday morning. I slept like shit Sunday night, catnapping and up every 2 hours. Guess I should have taken a sleeping pill. Not quite sure what to do about the stress. I'll continue to go to the gym and see if that takes off the edge. Also, if the heat finally breaks tonight, I can go for a walk with the dog. It's been too hot to do anything.

Guess this is a whine that despite all the positive indications and K doing so well, I still managed to be stressed. What is the worst part though, is that this isn't my normal nature. Usually, I'm pretty low key. Urgh.

8.11.2005

Holding Steady

The week is uneventful, which is good. K returned from her business trip on Tuesday evening. She was buzzing quite a bit, but managed to settle down. Our blood sugar crashed, so we had a miserable time figuring out what to do about dinner. We even had agreed to go out, but we were exhausted to the point of not being able to decide on a restaurant. In the end, we made it and managed to eat, even if the meal did include fried mozzarella sticks. Yum!

K wanted to stay home on Wednesday, but I was concerned because she hadn't cleared it with her manager. We managed to talk about in calmly in the morning (these discussions usually lead to blow out fights and tears) and K decided to go in. Even though she's so tired today and yesterday that she can't think straight, she still made it to the office. Her goal is to take her day off tomorrow and recover, while I head into the office.

I've been exceptionally tired this week. Not sure why. My explanation is that I'm starting to worry a bit less about K. Slowly, I believe that she'll be okay and the job will work out. In the past, when I've come off long bouts (weeks or months) of worrying and stress, I crash. My crash takes two forms--1) I am exhausted and can't function. 2) I have terrible stomach pains for about a month. When I say terrible, when they hit, I go to bed. Lying down for a while or sleeping helps my system relax and they go away, but I can't continue to function with them. The first of those pains struck me this week. I'm expecting it to continue for the next several weeks.

K wants me to go to the doctor for my stomach. She's worried there is something wrong. I've been to my internist so many times with this complaint that he refuses to see me any further and wants me to go see a GI specialist. I've resisted for 2 years, because I know that the tests will be miserable and I truly believe the condition is stress related. But I'll probably give in soon and look for a good GI specialist to help me out, mainly because K gives in to pressure from me when I believe she ought to see the doctor.

I don't think K was thrilled with me last night. As she was getting ready for bed, I told her that I wanted her to take a cab to work this morning. She dislikes changes to her routine. But I had a breakfast business meeting and the timing was such that it didn't work to take her. I was also able to scrounge an extra hour of sleep, which made me feel much better than I have over the past few days. She survived and made it to the office without my assistance.

As I said, things are good. K's performing, despite the exhaustion. I'm doing fine despite the stomach. Our biggest thing lately is that we've gone out to eat or gotten carryout quite a bit recently. It's our fallback when we're too tired to cook. I'm hoping that we'll mend our ways soon and get back to the cooking routine.

8.08.2005

Great Weekend

Despite all our troubles last week, K and I had a wonderful weekend together. Saturday, we didn't have to do anything until 1:30 pm. So we stayed in bed and talked and spent time together. We haven't done that in ages, when we started dating we would stay in bed late on the weekends constantly, but these days it seems we always have other obligations.

I went with K to visit her therapist. The couple of fights we had during the week had disturbed me. K had forgotten them. Between the stress of her job and the break-ins, her short-term memory is non-existent. She had to change her computer password on Friday and didn't write it down. By Sunday, she had forgotten it and will have to call tech support to help her solve the problem. I believe it is one of the last effects from ECT that when her memory shorts out, it is completely gone.

Anyway, we had a good session with her therapist talking through a couple of issues. Then Sunday, K had to go to Philadelphia. She's there on a business trip until tomorrow evening. I had offered to drive her there and thought that getting out of town would be good for us both. We had a wonderful trip. After arriving, we played in that bed for a bit and then headed out to wander around Rittenhouse Square and have dinner. I headed home around 7:30.

The whole weekend was very relaxing and non-stressful. I spent the entire time smiling and laughing. Friday, we dealt with our contractors and it was a busy day. However, Saturday and Sunday gave me an opportunity to rejuvenate. K commented how happy I seemed throughout the entire weekend.

Maybe I beginning to put my fears to rest about K's health and job. I fear even saying that though, as every time I predict something the opposite happens. I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful.

8.04.2005

Struck Twice

Unfortunately, lightening struck twice this week, and we are burglarized again yesterday. This time, the culprit entered through our dining room window. They pushed in the air conditioner and came through the window. We thought the 15 foot drop would deter someone, but apparently not. This time, we lost some Dewalt tools. Financially, it wasn't as bad as Monday, but there was more damage.

K is at home today having the house measured for bars and a new security system installed. We had one, which was disconnected due to the basement. A mere $1400 later, we ought to be feeling safer. Between that and the lost goods, it's been a $5000 week. Urgh!

We did okay with this breakin, though K had a panic attack this morning. We're exhausted and emotionally drained. It's never good when your partner and the crime scene officer begin discussing getting together for drinks, because they have had enough time to bond.

It's difficult not feeling totally secure on the property. The bars will be installed tomorrow, which will make us feel more secure. We also thought that if we stop feeding the dog, she'll be more likely to bite anyone entering the property, because she CERTAINLY ISN'T DOING HER JOB RIGHT NOW! A pitbull/boxer mix, who doesn't manage to deter burglars.

It's been a rough week and we have a neighborhood meeting tonight to nominate officers for next year. Not thrilled about attending, but we promised. K's working tomorrow and I have the day off, so I'll get a bit more of a chance to recover.

8.03.2005

Continued Stress

After a miserable day on Monday, K and I were finally settling down in the evening and not feeling as bad. We wandered out to pick up some diet Coke for K at McDonald's, her favored supplier for Diet Coke. I don't think I've ever talked about the quantity of diet coke she drinks, but it is about a gallon a day. It might be a 1/2 gallon now, but it is still a large volume. And, she prefers it from the fountain. K is not low maintenance, though she claims I'm high maintenance as well.

We returned home and I plugged my cell phone in to the charger and asked K where the computer was. Turns out, after we searched the house several times, that someone has stolen our computer and digital camera. I started crying. It was too much after an awful day with K and then to find we had been burglarized.

The police came, took a report, and found a fingerprint. Probably nothing will be found. We didn't notice the burglary right away, as whoever broke in used a key. You would think that a key would simplify matters making it easier to track the culprit. Unfortunately not, as we have had so many contractors in the house.

There are some limits though. Whoever did it had to have worked upstairs at some point and taken the key to make a copy of it. It was our backdoor key, which we always leave hanging on a hook next to the door. The individual was likely in the house at 11 am, and one of the guys in the basement even heard the footsteps. But I don't know if we will find the culprit. Even if we did, the punishment would probably be very light. A burglars in our neighborhood, who burglarize 20+ houses by breaking in through 2nd story windows even when he had a broken arm, was only given 90 days and a suspended sentence. So. . . I don't hold out much hope.

K and I handle these things differently. I cried about it. K went to another rage state (just when she had been beginning to feel better) and became even more security conscious than usual. She's always pushed for us to be more careful with keys, passwords, personal information, and the like.

Tuesday we both stayed home to have the locksmith arrive. We ended up fighting a bit, but we settled down. Now, I'm trying to move past it and K is trying to be less fearful. Right now, K is angry with our contractor and wants to hold him liable for the break-in. I'm not so certain we can do that, but we'll discuss it with him on Friday.

The good news is that K's blips from Monday have receded. The Paxil is doing its job and stabilizing her. I believe the blips are stemming from PMS. The other good thing is that K is going to work on Friday, so she won't have to take any leave for staying home yesterday for the locksmith. We're starting to settle down again. It's good, because I'm sick of the rollercoaster.

8.01.2005

RSS Feed

Very exciting--I just added an RSS feed to my blog page. Not that I believe anyone is addicted to synergy to the point of needing every post the minute it comes out, but . . . you now have the option.

Note: I'm still feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. On top of it, the neighborhood association wants to nominate me for a leadership position. I'm planning on declining the nomination. K would have been nominated, but they took her health concerns seriously and didn't put her name forward.

Dangerous Blips

Yesterday and today are the days when I wonder how long can I hold on in this relationship. I can't imagine leaving K or not being with her; however, the illness is once again rearing it's head and roaring.

I had a wonderful weekend with my mom and arrived home again on an early flight yesterday morning. K picked me up from the airport and things seemed fine. Within an hour of arriving home, she had lost her temper about our basement project and about the situation in our neighborhood. I couldn't take it; I fled upstairs and curled into a ball sobbing.

My reaction brought her out of her rage state for a time, but we continued to fight on and off for another hour. I had left a happy K and returned to a monster. She swears it had nothing to do with my absence, but I wonder.

This morning was a return to the mornings where it was a fight to get her to move. She got up, but then she stalled getting dressed, becoming more and more angry with herself. Finally, we got out the door, which was victory in itself. But by the time that happened, I was near tears, exhausted, and an hour late for work.

I cannot deal with the anger. It's worse when it's directed towards me, but it hurts when she directs it towards herself as well.

K had a meeting out near my office this morning. I dropped her off and said if she needed a ride over to the subway, I would be happy to pick her up afterwards around noon. She called and asked if I wanted to have lunch and give her a ride. But she was angry with herself that she needed to involve me in her plans and she couldn't do it on her own.

During lunch, we talked, she sobbed. At one point, she was crying because she didn't have enough xanax to kill herself. I didn't take this too seriously or sympathetically, as she isn't in a suicidal state. Nor is she close enough to one where I would worry about her. I have seen her in a condition when I thought she might kill herself, so I know where the line is.

What I did find interesting is that she says there are voices in her head spewing rage and hate directed at herself and externally. This is new. I'm also hoping that it is temporary.

I'm putting down yesterday and today as blips. Miserable, heart wrenching blips, but blips, not the new norm. I'm hoping that it might be a manifestation of PMS, which it could be. The reaction is not out of the ordinary for her when she has PMS. She started on the paxel yesterday. Or it might be the result of her job stress and feeling the need to perform. I'm not sure. I only hope that I'm right and it is temporary.

I feel miserable, exhausted, and saddened. I hate the anger. I hate not being able to anticipate what she'll feel like. In some ways, these mood swings are like living with an alcoholic. Not as bad, but right now there is a tension as to how will she feel and be behaving when I return home.

We go through these really good times, when K's happy and productive and I remember what things are like between us. Then this happens. K's worried that her episode of rage is going to rekindle all my fears, and it will likely have an impact on them. Right now, I feel too numb to even think about it.

The sad part is that yesterday was the eight year anniversary of when we met. Also, now I'm starting to reconsider if I can leave town for 9 days in October to go to Germany, as I had hoped to do.

When does the peace finally return?

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