Valentine's Day Gift
K gave me my Valentine's Day gift before I left town to nurse my mother. I know that this is a bit late, by about 10 days. But I thought I would share the text. It's a
etched square of glass with the words:
YOU are always with me,
a PARTNER in life enhances
my accomplishments and helps
me realize my dreams. Forever
CARING, forever SHARING,
you redefine the qualities of
LOYALTY, devotion, and LOVE.
Whether you are listening from
the heart or inspiring by example,
your contributions to my life
surpass being significant.
It's professional enough that I can have it out on my desk, where I can see the glass, while I work on my computer.
I'll write some more later today or over the weekend.
So far away. . .
I left on Monday morning to head to the land of snow and ice to help my mom out for a few days. I was supposed to leave on Sunday morning, but my flight was canceled due to the snow and ice that had made it's way to my region of the country. But other than having to get up at the god awful hour of 4 am to make my flight, everything went smoothly.
My mom's surgery went very well and she was released from the hospital about 24 hours later. Now she's quietly sleeping at home to continue to speed along the recovery. I'm relieved as I am heading home on Sunday pm.
What has me worried right now or a bit worried is K. After weeks of getting up a going to work every day, she hasn't made it one day this week. She also missed last Friday due to a physical ailment. She says that she's unable to get over the hump to go into the office. It seems as if it is partially due to my absence, but at this point I believe it is something more. What more, I have no clue.
I'm trying not to worry about it. She repeatedly tells me not to worry about it. She had 30 hours of leave going into the week, so I guess she'll be down to zero or close to it by the time she makes her way back to the office.
I don't feel any guilt about not being there. K must be able to do these things by herself even if I am not there to give her the extra shove in the morning. Even the extra shove is no guarantee that she'll make it in. Instead, I'm irritated that it took her until Wednesday to contact her therapist and update her on the situation. At times like these, even when I am right next to K there is a distance separating us. It is a psychological distance as she withdraws into herself. I can't reach her.
Yesterday, I woke up and thought about giving K a call at the office to say hi and chat for a few moments before I got up. But I held back, because I didn't want to be disappointed if she hadn't made it in. This morning, I thought about doing the same thing, but once again I held back to prevent disappointment. I hate having to stop myself and think through "Should I do this or am I setting myself up to be angry and upset about K?"
One of the things that I have been working on over the past few months is my reaction to K's behavior. For a while, I was getting extremely angry with her over her absences from the office. It wasn't good for either of us. Instead I got extremely upset and riled and K was even more upset with herself and felt that she couldn't turn to me for support. Recently, I have been doing much better with it. However, today I can feel the same feelings of frustration and anger welling in me. I'm trying to let it go. And I am succeeding. I have to trust that she knows her limitations better than anyone else.
The other part of the scenario that bothers me is when is this going to end? K has her job. Recently, she's been engaged and making progress on the project and on coalition building throughout her organization. Yet, these bouts of malaise or illness still strike. When does this piece of the bipolar or the depression go away? It seems as if it has been with us forever. I know that it is less frequent and that K has managed to build up some leave, but it feels as if it is all swept away when she misses more than one or two days of work with this crap.
I'll work on letting go of my emotions.
Out of Touch
I haven't been blogging lately. No specific reason as to the halt. It just seems as if I haven't had anything particular to discuss online. I mean, I can bring up the irritating things like, I weigh more than I want to, 2 lbs heavier than my recorded heaviest weight. I'm not thrilled. I have to lose 5 lbs to be back in the normal BMI range at 24.9.
Sunday, I am heading out across country to the land of cold weather and ice to help my mom out for a week. She's having surgery to have her bladder tacked up. Since her problem stems from childbirth, I figure the least I can do it go and assist for a week. I'm thinking that maybe I can work on my resume and job search strategy. My office is in the midst of a large reorganization. The section where I work will be relatively unscathed or so we think. But another office will likely lose 50% of their workforce. Not a good sign for continued employment. I may not go anywhere, but I should at least think about the possibility. The management hopes that enough people will take early-out and buy-out options so layoffs are prevented. I prefer to be prepared.
K's doing fine though battling an intenstinal bug. She's out today, but my guess is she'll work next Friday rather than use leave for today.
Nothing else.
Not By Meds Alone
One aspect that I have struggled with throughout K's illness and now her recovery is my own role. I realize that she probably would not be as healthy today or even be here today if I hadn't been there to coax her along and provide a solid link to the "real" world. The meds enabled her to follow and regain control, but our relationship was instrumental to her regaining her health. However, that also creates a schism in my own thinking.
I don't want to necessarily be the reason that K is alive and be the reason she wants to continue to live. The pressure of that responsibility is more than I want to bear. Also, I feel as if my personal freedom is inhibited by her reliance on our relationship to bring stability to her life. What if our relationship goes bad? What if at some point I want to break up with her? Where do I balance my responsibilities for my own well-being against my responsibilities to K's health?
Fortunately, I have not been in a position where I have to answer any of those questions, because I don't know what my answers would be. Her illness brought me closer to those questions, but strangely enough at that time I was so wrapped up in her that I didn't have to face those questions. My fear is that someday I may have to answer them and I don't know how I will do so.
My thought right now is that I will remain with K unless I feel that I am putting myself at a personal or psychological risk to do so. She knows this. I hope that I never have to put this theory to the test. Right now, we are disgustingly in love. A close friend of mine flew in from Seattle for my birthday weekend and she had tears in her eyes as she was talking about the happiness that K and I bring to one another.
But, when the relationship becomes overshadowed by the events of mental illness, these questions are ones that every caretaker has to ask and some must answer.
What brought on this line of thinking is an
article in this week's Newsweek from Jay Neugeboren addressing the impact of relationships in his brother's mental health.
K believes that her relationship with me and her therapist are what enabled her to reach her current level of health and mental stability. I agree with her. There are lots of old proverbs out there that if you save someone's life you continue to be responsible for them or perhaps there are no such proverbs and Hollywood makes them up. Regardless, I'm not quite sure how far that responsibility goes.
Some good news is that K has consistently gone to the office on every day she is supposed to since the beginning of the year. 2006 is going great for us. Whatever mild depression K had been in seems to have lifted and she's back to normal. Also, she even has about a week of annual leave stored up allowing her to take time off, if she so chooses. This is a completely different place than where we were at the end of December.
To highlight how well K's feeling, she's even planning a trip to Chicago to visit her niece without me. It will be her first trip to visit her family alone, since we left the city 6.5 years ago. It's a testament to how much work she's put into her relationship with her family and the impact a new baby can have.
