synergy

Dangerous Blips

Yesterday and today are the days when I wonder how long can I hold on in this relationship. I can't imagine leaving K or not being with her; however, the illness is once again rearing it's head and roaring.

I had a wonderful weekend with my mom and arrived home again on an early flight yesterday morning. K picked me up from the airport and things seemed fine. Within an hour of arriving home, she had lost her temper about our basement project and about the situation in our neighborhood. I couldn't take it; I fled upstairs and curled into a ball sobbing.

My reaction brought her out of her rage state for a time, but we continued to fight on and off for another hour. I had left a happy K and returned to a monster. She swears it had nothing to do with my absence, but I wonder.

This morning was a return to the mornings where it was a fight to get her to move. She got up, but then she stalled getting dressed, becoming more and more angry with herself. Finally, we got out the door, which was victory in itself. But by the time that happened, I was near tears, exhausted, and an hour late for work.

I cannot deal with the anger. It's worse when it's directed towards me, but it hurts when she directs it towards herself as well.

K had a meeting out near my office this morning. I dropped her off and said if she needed a ride over to the subway, I would be happy to pick her up afterwards around noon. She called and asked if I wanted to have lunch and give her a ride. But she was angry with herself that she needed to involve me in her plans and she couldn't do it on her own.

During lunch, we talked, she sobbed. At one point, she was crying because she didn't have enough xanax to kill herself. I didn't take this too seriously or sympathetically, as she isn't in a suicidal state. Nor is she close enough to one where I would worry about her. I have seen her in a condition when I thought she might kill herself, so I know where the line is.

What I did find interesting is that she says there are voices in her head spewing rage and hate directed at herself and externally. This is new. I'm also hoping that it is temporary.

I'm putting down yesterday and today as blips. Miserable, heart wrenching blips, but blips, not the new norm. I'm hoping that it might be a manifestation of PMS, which it could be. The reaction is not out of the ordinary for her when she has PMS. She started on the paxel yesterday. Or it might be the result of her job stress and feeling the need to perform. I'm not sure. I only hope that I'm right and it is temporary.

I feel miserable, exhausted, and saddened. I hate the anger. I hate not being able to anticipate what she'll feel like. In some ways, these mood swings are like living with an alcoholic. Not as bad, but right now there is a tension as to how will she feel and be behaving when I return home.

We go through these really good times, when K's happy and productive and I remember what things are like between us. Then this happens. K's worried that her episode of rage is going to rekindle all my fears, and it will likely have an impact on them. Right now, I feel too numb to even think about it.

The sad part is that yesterday was the eight year anniversary of when we met. Also, now I'm starting to reconsider if I can leave town for 9 days in October to go to Germany, as I had hoped to do.

When does the peace finally return?

posted by synergy @ 12:41 PM