2nd Guessing

I'm driving myself nuts and feeling very stressed. Not sure exactly why, but I've noticed some behavior in myself that I don't like.

I've decided to take a trip to Germany this fall. I've lived over there for 2 years (at separate times) and haven't been back since I left in 1996. Somehow, the timing never worked for me to go. I've decided that I want to go and it will be good for me to get away. Decision finally made, though I did keep going back and forth on it for a while.

I began to track airfares. Exceptionally high, $700 for a roundtrip, nonstop flight, urgh! I had been hoping for $450 max. Any case, I was watching the airfare, and there was a sale that ended on Friday. Being worried about fares going even higher, I decided to purchase Friday. Then I was slow, so the return flight I wanted was already upped another $100. Anyway you get the point. So I bought for $700. I look at the fares on Saturday and they have been reduced to $560, today they are back at the same price as last week. It's maddening!

The issue isn't the airfare, irritating though it is. It's my inability to make a decision lately without questioning myself 10 times. Previously, I would make a decision and that was it. No waffling. Now. . . I seem to spend ages equivocating. K's noticed it as well.

Additionally, K's job situation is getting to me again. I'm stressing that we don't know what's going to happen to her. Her group puts a lot of pressure on her and the rest of the people to go to career counseling and now financial counseling. Somehow I have an issue showing my credit report and score to financial counselors paid by my employer, along with other personal financial data. What they are trying to do is help people make the decision if they can afford to take a buyout. K's offered a number of times not to forward me the e-mails and today I asked her to stop forwarding them. I become too upset reading them. Instead, I would like her to tell me when we are together, so I can have instant reassurance. That said, her job continues to go well, but I won't believe anything till I see the signed paperwork transferring her to the new group. Hopefully, it will happen in the next six weeks.

The end result of all my muttering and whining throughout this post is that I'm stressed. I went to the gym on Sunday morning. I slept like shit Sunday night, catnapping and up every 2 hours. Guess I should have taken a sleeping pill. Not quite sure what to do about the stress. I'll continue to go to the gym and see if that takes off the edge. Also, if the heat finally breaks tonight, I can go for a walk with the dog. It's been too hot to do anything.

Guess this is a whine that despite all the positive indications and K doing so well, I still managed to be stressed. What is the worst part though, is that this isn't my normal nature. Usually, I'm pretty low key. Urgh.


At 12:27 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your 'waffling' on taking a trip is not really 'waffling'. It could be that you're not just deciding for yourself. You're anxious about permitting yourself a well deserved break but you're also not sure about K, her job and her ability to manage without you etc. It's difficult to feel secure decisions you make because there are unknowns out there. This trip will probably do you a world of good and allow you to be away from some of the stress you've been feeling.

Don't be so hard on yourself; you're doing great.


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