synergy

Build-up of Frustration

My irritation continues to increase. Yesterday, K stayed home for work and slept most of the day. I tried to accept that between traveling over the weekend and her period, she was exhausted.

Last night, she had nightmares and took a .5 mg xanax at 4:30 am, not the thing to do with a 6 am wake-up call. By the time she dragged herself downstairs about 35 minutes behind schedule, I was irritated with her and she was fighting back a rage. Rather than having me wait, she suggested that I get going to make it to work on schedule.

At 10:30 am, I called the house to discover she's gone back to bed. Then a moment later, I received an e-mail from her boss asking if she was okay and able to work today. It was addressed to K, but she cc'd me. I called K again to let her know that her manager would like to hear from her. I could write a quick note to K's manager, but I prefer to put the pressure on K to do so. She's a professional not a grammar school student, who requires her mother to write a note to her teacher.

I'm trying very hard to let her do whatever she needs to do, but in my mind all I can say is "Why doesn't she have to get up to go to work, like I do?" Why can't she function normally and get up and go to work and not be only able to pass out at the end of the day.

Maybe I need to be able to accept that there are always going to be these days. But I'm not at that stage of acceptance. Yes, I remain angry about her illness. Not every moment, but when she goes through bouts of staying home, it manages to piss me off. I don't possess enough self-knowledge to understand why I react this way.

In the end, I want to burst out crying and hide. I can't and won't.

posted by synergy @ 10:35 AM