synergy

Bad Morning

Below is a post that I began writing over a week ago. Fortunately, her rage was short-lived, but it still takes a toll.

When the construction equipment rental company kicks off your morning by dropping off a small backhoe in front of your house at 5:30 am, chances are that the am is not off to a good start. It was one of these mornings, when K woke up already in a rage. I asked once or twice if she was getting up or wanted me to make her breakfast, and all I received were grunts in return.

As I was completing my preparations to head out the door, she stormed downstairs, angry that I had even opened the drapes. She expressed concern/paranoia about people watching her through the windows. I believe she worries too much, but our local drug dealers are occasionally edgy when someone sits in our front window to chat on the phone or read.

The worst part of the morning was the anger she felt towards me, because I wasn't able to willing to stay home with her today. First, things have been busy at work with a variety of projects all which currently require me to pay attention to them in the office. Second, I have little desire to stay home with her, when she's blinded by rage. Her course of action was to take a xanax and go back to bed. Why do I need to stay home as she spends the day sleeping? Sometimes, I do stay with her, but it wasn't possible today.

I hate the explosions and the unexpectedness of going from a good evening to a miserable morning. I know she fights to contain her volatility, but it still spills over.

Occasionally, I feel as if this blog is too antiseptic and I gloss over the more difficult aspects of the disease. So, I wanted to include this post, as I do become angry, hurt, and furious with K's behavior. Those feelings don't last long, but when they do occur, I want nothing to do with her. I desire only to be left alone.

posted by synergy @ 4:45 PM