Memorial Day Weekend--Friday

Today is starting to seem like the first day of summer. Despite the earliness of the day, the air already feels sticky and humid. Not a big surprise, since the summers here are miserable with humidity. The bigger surprise is that it has taken until Memorial Day to feel this way. Actually, we've had a lovely drawn out spring. It almost seemed unnatural that the weather was beautiful for weeks on end. Not the norm. But I would expect that we will begin to revert to more normal weather patterns again.

K and I have no specific plans for the weekend. It's a 4 day weekend for us--wooo hoooo! We have today off and don't have to return to the office until Tuesday. Lots of little things on the to do lists, but nothing big and distasteful. We are looking forward to doing things around the house over the next few days.

My week has been confusing. Nothing to do with K, but the job situation is confusing. From Tuesday through Thursday, I attended a training course in another facility. Part way through the day on Tuesday, I was told by someone else that I was being moved to a different job. All the information went along with a possibility that I had been exploring, but I hadn't told anyone about it. That the gossip chain had picked it up showed that there was probably something actually happening.

No date has yet been set, but I am moving up to share a Chief of Staff job with someone else. It's significantly more power and influence in the organization. An organization that is in serious flux. The only thing I hear from everyone is that there is no one to actually do any work, because we are so understaffed. And we are in the middle of a round of buyouts.

I'm excited to be switching jobs, though I am still resolved to leave the organization entirely. I'm hoping that this assignment will help me make more contacts to achieve that goal. What hit home is how happy I have been for the past two years in my current office. As I have said, my office is being disbanded and many of my favorite people have left or will leave, mostly retiring, in the next month. But this week, I ended up crying over what I am going to be losing/missing. I'm not the only one. My office is going through the grieving process as well. It's very difficult going through all the changes.

K has been slightly concerned about me. She knows that I am grieving for my office. But it has also manifested itself into a grief for what happened with her between the heart attack and the spiral into bipolar disorder. As we watch TV shows, on either DVD or through iTunes, I overreacted when a character is killed off. This past week, I break out into uncontrollable sobbing. I don't think it is fear over K. Instead, I believe that I am mourning the days when I didn't know enough to be frightened.

K's illness opened up an entirely new world of possibilities for me. That sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it is true. I didn't know enough to be frightened. No one in my family has died or even been ill. I've never been exposed to the fear and uncertainty that comes when a loved one is confronting the unknown. K's illness exposed me to the feeling of vunerable. I think I am crying because when I see someone on TV die, I can imagine how their friends and family feel. Actually, I can probably only imagine a piece of what they feel, but that is enough to make me break into tears. I don't want to feel that way. K's dragging me off to her therapist tomorrow to discuss this together.

Another topic, which may be on tomorrow's therapist agenda, is my job change. One of the things that has discouraged me from changing jobs in the past few years has been K's illness and resistance to change. My current position and the previous position have allowed me the flexibility to leave at a moment's notice when K has needed me. Fortunately, that hasn't been necessary for almost two years. But for about a 15 month period, it was very important. The other thing that she has relied upon is my giving her a ride to work and up until last summer a ride home. She works within two miles of the house, but K has fought taking the bus for years. This past spring, she began to take the bus home. She picks up a transfer and provides it to me as a voucher to set up the coffee for her every night. It's a way to reward her for taking the bus.

This job switch will require K to change her commuting habits. She will have to take public transportation both ways to work. I will as well, but I am looking forward to it. The biggest difference is that she isn't too upset about it. I know she's concerned, but we are talking through different ways she can do it. Right now, she trying to convince me to go out of my way, so she doesn't have to take the bus alone in the mornings. I would prefer not to, but I may do it for a little bit to make her feel better. The fact we can even have the conversation and discuss the alternatives is a huge change.

Sometime later . . .

Something happened this morning. It may be PMS, but I'm not sure. We had a personal training session set for 10 am. K got up and ate breakfast. Then it was as if a switch was flipped in her brain and she began to struggle mentally. Ultimately, she didn't even make it to the training session. She took half a xanax and went back to sleep. I hope this was a very temporary blip and that it is not indicative of how the rest of the weekend will be. Though, if things are bad tomorrow again, she has an appointment with her therapist. I'll have to remind K that this will be her three year anniversary with the therapist. K saw her for the first time 3 years ago on Memorial Day weekend. I remember K was extremely doubtful and I was surprised that anyone would be seeing clients on the Saturday of Memorial Day.

Okay. . . I did make the personal training session. He works me much harder when K isn't there. Between sets, I usually stand gasping for breath. What he does is string three or four exercises in a row and keeps me moving from one to another. I need to go have lunch.

By the way, I posted my e-mail address in comments a while ago, but here it is again. synergylk@gmail.com Feel free to e-mail if you would like.


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