synergy

Mild Flashback

This morning was a slight flashback to a couple of years ago. Nowhere near the extreme intensity, but still a tinge of the past. It makes me wonder how I ever survived K's illness.

K's been suffering from bad allergies. Though the weather is cool, we keep the a/c running in our bedroom and in the downstairs to try and filter out some of the pollen as it enters the house. Regardless, she's been in quite a bit of pain from her sinuses and her head is very congested. She missed work last Friday, this past Tuesday, and again today. Today, she fortunately had a doctor's appointment to have them take a look at her. With luck, they will prescribe something to take away her discomfort.

But K was on the edge of anger today. Rage is actually the more accurate word. Yesterday we had a brief spat about something minor. Then this morning it felt as if I had to be very tentative to keep her from exploding. I pointed that out and she did acknowledge that she was struggling. I hate those moods. I hate feeling as if I'm going to be yelled at regardless of what I do. It occurs infrequently these days, but I hate all of it.

I left to head off to work. Not that I was terribly enthusiastic about going. I'm the only member of my work group under 55, and retirement is starting to sound good. My perspective is distorted by all these guys, who will retire in the very near future. About a block from the house, my cell rang. K was calling to see if I would call in sick and spend the day with her.

Her call was a sign that she was feeling pretty awful. Alternatively though, I dislike the pressure to change my schedule and stay with her. I told her that I had a deadline (which was the truth) and suggested that she take a xanax and return to bed. She did that.

I checked in around noon to make sure that she was up and ready to go to see the doctor. She was and sounded a bit better, but we didn't speak for more than a moment.

I don't know if it's the pain from the allergies or if she's having PMS or what is impacting her mood. She normally takes Paxil to control the PMS symptoms. A few months ago, she moved from taking it a few days a month to taking it daily. But the past couple of days, she stopped taking it. Paxil interferes with her libido and she was tired of it. She will take it when she suspects that PMS is lurking. I suggested this morning that her mood may be a result of the lack of Paxil. She was going to take it again today and see how she feels. It seems to work fairly quickly. Libido versus evil temper--it's one of those faustian trade-offs that people with bipolar are constantly negotiating. Do I want to remain poor and unknown and let god have my soul or do I sell my soul to the Mephistopheles and become wealthy and famous? Do I want to be interested in sex and have an evil temper so no one will want to be near me or do I want to be well-tempered and not be interested in sex? What a choice.

June is fast approaching. The past three Junes have been bad. I don't know why. It's been different reasons each year. I'm hopeful that this year it will break whatever curse is on that month. I'm busy planning to go strawberry picking to make jam and strawberry cake and strawberry soup. Yum! Last year, I pick 11 pounds. I think I might do a bit more this year. Then I would have some extra to freeze. But I won't make the mistake of leaving the freshly picked berries in a parked car with the inside temperature exceeding a 100 degrees. The berries were okay--but I'm pretty sure that they would have been better without the heat bath.

Things will get back to normal. I'm feeling fussy and whiny for a number of reasons today. I wrangled an invitation to a breakfast tomorrow morning to go with a friend. He writes to me today that he is being sent to Dallas for the weekend. Now, I'm trying to decide if I should still go, since I am not actually in the invited group. But the head of my larger organization is speaking and I'm trying to worm my way into his office as a chief-of-staff. I'll consult a co-worker or two and see what they think.

posted by synergy @ 12:33 PM