7.28.2005

Off to the airport

Instead of blogging, I ought to be finishing my packing, as I'm heading off to see my mother this morning. I'll only be gone until Sunday morning, but it will give us a chance to catch up and K a chance to have the house to herself. A sign of progress, as this is the first time in several years that I've planned a trip and K hasn't spent the days prior to my departure agonizing about being left alone. Even when I went away for ONE night at the end of March, K missed work and worried herself sick about being alone. This time, I don't think she even thought about it, as she's involved her job and otherwise occupied.

The other exciting news is that K accepted a social engagement while I'm out of town. The girlfriend of a friend of ours took the bar exam earlier this week and is having a small dinner gatherine at a local sake bar to celebrate. K and I were invited, and normally K would decline the invitiation. But, she really likes our friend and she's going out on her own to celebrate. K commented that she believes it is the first time in 8 years, we will have known each other 8 years on Sunday, that she's gone out alone. Now, that's an exaggeration, but it has been a while. Another very positive sign.

I'm continuing to feel better, though K having issues with her job still sends a jolt of fear from my chest to my stomach, but I'm slowly adjusting. I've fallen off the gym routine this week, due to the oppressively hot weather. It's finally better today, but I would have had to go at 5 am and I couldn't bear to do that, when I have a day off. Instead, I rose a bit after 6 am to give K a ride to the office. I made her purchase me a latte at Starbucks for payment.

The turnaround in K over the past 6 weeks or so has been amazing. She's engaged at the office. We hit the Nordstrom's anniversary sale and bought her a new suit. She's still shopping in the women's section, but with luck she'll continue to lose weight and move back to the regular sizes. We won't even discuss how much I bought at the sale. I'm dreading the American Express bill this month, but I need the clothing for work. K encouraged me to keep the $500 suit, when I might have returned it. Gray wool pant suit with stripes and a beautiful jacket.

I've spent a long time whining on this blog that I want my partner back and she is. I thrilled. Now I need to call the office, finish packing, and head out the door.

7.21.2005

Worn Down

This week, despite having tomorrow off, has seemed endless. K and I have both been tired. We attribute it somewhat to a friend coming through town and staying with us Monday night. He and his partner lived next door to us for 2.5 years, when we first came to town. They had bought the house and fixed it up. Then they moved on to the West Coast and now, 4 years later have split up. Our friend was clearly a bundle of nerves and pain, even though he's been traveling across country for the past month. It has good, but very difficult to see him. It's never easy to see someone you care about oozing pain and looking miserable.

His visit drained us on Monday. Then my period has been lurking. Even several years ago, my period had no impact on me or my mood. However, these days it isn't as easy to manage. Right now, I'm feeling achy with cramps, and I still have an appointment to have drinks this afternoon. The only good thing this month is that the worst of it will be on the weekend rather than during the work week.

K's doing okay. She's worn down as well. Her job situation is going great. Except today, she had an update meeting where she and her current supervisor were told that the goal for everyone in this developmental group is to get them jobs outside of the current organization. Not the small organization, but outside of the agency.

Not a welcoming, warm friendly feeling? K was struggling not to cry. I immediately felt the lump return to the pit of my stomach. K did comment that she didn't want to tell me, as she doesn't want me to have the lump feeling. But she did. She talked to her immediate manager, who was angry and very willing to support K. I'm beginning to trust that K can handle whatever comes her way. The more she does it, the more confident I'm becoming.

We're having 2 of my coworkers for dinner tomorrow night, and K will have a chance to meet 2 of the people I work with daily. We're looking forward to it and have enjoyed being able to entertain again. It's a sign of health that we have the spirits and strength to do so.

7.14.2005

Building Confidence

As I headed home from the gym this morning (yes, the 4th time I have gone in the past 7 days), I realized that I didn't have a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach. For a long time, I wouldn't know if K would get up in the morning, what her mood would be, if she had slept the previous night, etc. Now, I can guarantee that she will be up, cheerful, and preparing to go to work in the morning.

Knowing that she'll be functioning normally is slowly building my confidence. It will still take a while, but I'm starting to trust that things will work out with K's illness and with her job. The longer our routine is unbroken the more confident I will become. The stress is starting to ease away.

I am curious as to what caused her change. Is it that she is more engaged at the office, which seems to have made a big difference? Is it that the bipolar has receded further? Is it that her engagement at the office has lifted a situational depression, as K told her therapist? I believe that the last one is the answer. There has been a radical change in K and it seems have brightened her aura.

Let's up that the good times continue.

One last note: I came across another bipolar blog today, it looks good. I know a number of you have already found it. --Been Broken--

7.12.2005

Good

Things have been quiet and good, since K recovered from the abscessed tooth. Actually, to be technically accurate, she didn't recover from the tooth, rather the infection. The tooth is scheduled for a root canal this evening.

I'm making an effort to go to the gym. I've gone three days out of four, since last Saturday. I'm hoping that the exercise will improve my mood. K is also making an effort not to upset me. For example, when she sends an e-mail detailing the idiocies of her new management, she starts is by stating that she isn't upset. That helps me keep my initial reaction of fear under control.

The biggest change in K is she's happy. For a while, she was repressing it. Her theory was that if she's happy about work then it will be that much more difficult if things go badly and she doesn't get this permanent job. However, her therapist said that while K may believe that moderating her emotions will help cushion the fall, it doesn't. K should be happy now, because if a fall comes, it will hurt just as badly if she doesn't allow herself to be happy, as it will if she does. The information has given K permission to enjoy her happiness, and it is wonderful to see it.

I'm doing pretty well. I'm wondering a bit if my emotional ups and downs may be tied to PMS. It's a bit early, but it isn't out of the question. A thought.

I'm optimistic that the root canal will go well and K will return to the office tomorrow.

7.08.2005

Good News

K's back at work and feeling better. The tooth still requires a root canal, but the antibiotic is taking care of the infection and pain. It feels as if my K has returned to me.

K also had a discussion with her new temporary supervisor at work. This manager also faced problems from the same individual, who harassed K about her use of leave, so she's very sympathetic. The other good thing is she wants to work with K, so this temporary position can turn into a permanent assignment at the end of September.

I'm going into the weekend feeling tired, but optimistic and happy as well.

7.06.2005

Over-wrought and Overtaxed

K is suffering from an abscessed tooth and the Vicodin prescription from the dentist seems to be doing nothing to ease her pain. We woke the dentist at 1 am this morning to ask for help, as K was almost screaming in agony. He had us come in at 7:30 am, so he could drain the abscess. As of yet, the pain has not gone away. On the way home, I have to stop to pick up a prescription of Percocet for her and have it filled.

Does it ever end?

I only got a few hours of sleep last night. My stomach is in knots as I worry about K. She's constantly freaking out, because the pressure from her job not to miss any time. Right now, she's basically panicking, but she can't have xanax as it doesn't mix well with the pain pills.

Not good.

I feel as if we are being bashed by wave after wave of crises. This isn't how I want to live my life. I plan things out. I don't wait for a crisis to hit before I take preventive action. But, I have to admit, I don't know how to plan for these things. I don't know how we anticipate the next wave and prepare ourselves for the ride and the buffeting.

K keeps focusing on the bipolar is not the problem here. It is things like the tooth and her cold virus, which are causing the problem. Regardless of cause, the end result is the same that K is ill, she needs my attention and help, and she can't work. I know the details differ, but the same result occurs.

I'm tired, stressed, and angry over this situation. I'm tired of her calling me in tears, I'm tired of being the responsible one, and I want my K back without all the extras.

7.05.2005

Weekend

We had a 4 day weekend, beginning with Friday off. Unfortunately, we also started off Friday with a major fight. It's rare that we fight, and exceptionally rare that we really go after one another. Friday's was one of our worst.

K and I had errands lined up in order to prepare for a dinner party we hosted Saturday evening. She was suffering from a sore throat and was exhausted from her week at work. When it was clear that I was going to have to do everything alone, I lost my temper. I'm very tired of feeling as if I have the responsibility to get things done, because otherwise they will languish. She even went as far as to suggested that if this relationship isn't working for me, we will have to break it off. I didn't like that at all.

The fight on Friday, which we did resolve and both apologized for, ended us both at her therapists on Friday. I also had to go to the hardware store to buy some parts for the rear security door. Some of the fasteners broke, when I slammed it. Not one of my finer moments. I should learn to work on my temper.

K's therapist normally only sees K, but she's been seeing us together to help us work through the stress of K's job situation. We talked through a number of the issues, specifically my frustration and fears about K's situation. She encouraged us to do several things.

1. If we can solve a problem by paying money to fix, do it. (For example, don't worry about spending money on prepared foods or going out, if we're too tired to cook.) Note: We are fortunate enough to be able to throw money at problems and not worry about the financial aspects of our life.

2. Try to plan out each day in advance. Know what we are going to eat, when we will be home, and work in downtime. This ruins spontaneity, but at the moment neither have any energy to use for spontaneous behavior.

3. If I need to talk about my frustration with our current situation, K should let me do so and not feel guilty about being the cause of the problem.

Those were the three suggestions that I remember. We left feeling like we could survive a bit longer. K's therapist was also surprised and unhappy to hear that K even briefly entertained the idea of ending the relationship. But I think it was only out of desperation that K made the suggestion.

Our dinner party on Saturday was a success. Everyone appeared to enjoy themselves. The only thing for us is that we were tired by the end of the evening and didn't get to bed until 1 am, much later than our usual retiring time of 9:30 pm.

Sunday was another low key day. I went and got a pedicure (K sponsored pedicure.) Then I wandered through our neighborhood checking out all the little shops and trying things on. I didn't buy anything, but it was interesting to see the new arrivals. We even have a new gay book store two blocks away. And I found a really cool, large apothecary chest at a used furniture store. I need to take K so she can check it out. That evening we headed to dinner, received stares from all the tourists in town, and went to a new grocery store. Another exciting evening. Actually, the exciting part was stopping by one of my favorite book shops and getting lots of interesting titles. I'm reading Prague by Arthur Phillips right now. Makes me remember my days of living in Berlin during the mid-90's.

Unfortunately, it looks as if lightening may have struck K for the umpteenth time. On Sunday evening, a sore or abscess erupted in her mouth. It's causing her amazing pain and she's taking ibuprofen to deal with despite not being able to mix ibuprofen and lithium. (I believe it can cause kidney or liver damage.) Will it never end? She's at the office, because she's not allowed to take any sick leave and she's making an appointment with the dentist for either tomorrow at lunch or after work to have it checked out. With luck (not that she's had much lately), it will only be a cold sore, but she's starting to believe it is tooth related.

What gets to K is that her more recent struggles have had nothing to do with either the heart attack or bipolar disorder. Instead, it's been the bad cold, which is resurging, it's the tooth problem, it's been her period reemerging after she thought she was in menopause. It's the day-to-day shit that everyone deals with, but seems to hit her harder. Part of the difficulty is that she cannot or is not supposed to take ibuprofen, which helps with a number of those problems. But I wonder when will we be in a state of calm and normal? I begin to question if it will ever happen.

Okay--enough of an update. I'm hoping to be better about writing again. A lot depends on how busy I am at the office.

7.03.2005

Search String

Should I be disturbed that one of the search strings used to find me was "mold smell in surburban vehicle"?

I can understand the "blind without my glasses or my contacts", but the mold smell I found baffling. Especially baffling, when I was 4th on the list. It amazes me how google searches things out.

Free Website Counter
Online Classes
FREE hit counter and Internet traffic statistics from freestats.com
Site Meter