Catching Up
I completed the paperwork for my promotion this evening, two days before it has to be finished. Now, I'll have to wait to see if I am actually selected for the position. I'm hoping that they'll let me know sometime next week.
I was bad this evening. Instead of eating a healthy dinner of leftover grilled chicken, K and I shared half a package of fudge striped cookies. Now, I'm not hungry for healthy food. This is so rare that I'm not sure we've ever done anything like this before. But, I better scamper downstairs to make myself a salad to try and eat something healthy this evening.
K's doing well. The basement contractors appear to be doing the right things, for once. Nothing else to report.
Perspective
When K was going through the worst of the bipolar and prior to her episode, back in 2003, I visited a psychiatrist for weekly therapy sessions. I went out of a sense of desperation. The situation at home was challenging me and I was beginning to worry that I would shatter from the strain it was putting on me.
The sessions were helpful. It took some time before I was willing to trust the psychiatrist or talk openly about the situation with K. I remember times when I would lose control and start crying to the point of being unable to speak or at times to even know why I was crying.
The psychiatrist did help me to gain perspective on the situation and to assert my own needs into my relationship with K. Mostly, I was subsuming my needs in order to make things easier on her. Without the therapy sessions, I think that K's bipolar episode would have been even worse on us than it was. After six months, she let me know that she didn't believe that I would benefit from further therapy.
She probably believed it was better to stop, since K was doing better and I had placed very tight boundaries on the discussion to restrict the focus only on to what was happening with K. I had no desire to go looking at any other aspect of my life. A couple of times when she began to prod my defense mechanisms, specifically my use of denial to allow myself to cope throughout a crisis, the impact was that I would struggle to regain my equilibrium. We decided it was too risky for her to touch those boundaries as that was holding me together.
As it stands, I still get tired, frustrated, and irritable with myself and with K. However, I no longer feel as if I will shatter, if one more thing in my day will make me come apart. I'm able to concentrate on my job and be productive. My entire being is not filled with anxiety over what the next minute, hour, or day will bring or what will happen to the two of us next. I don't have to get through my day by focusing on getting through each individual minute to minute. The contractors have taken their bite out of my ass, but it's not enough to impact my world.
As long as I believe that my equilibrium is not out of balance, I will continue on without professional assistance. But I do realize that if things become to great for me to muddle through, address, handle, or manage, I have the phone number to ask for help.
Doctor Visit
I did go to the doctor despite feeling much better yesterday. I knew it was easier to make the appointment and go rather than face the wrath of K if I didn't. K came along with me to keep me company and make sure that I represented the situation adequately.
Basically, no sinus infection. The doctor believes that I am having a reaction to the acid being used in the house. I guess I'm not sure what to think, but a reaction to the acid is certainly a strong possibility. She saw no evidence that I had a sinus infection. Her only advice was to stay out of the house as much as possible.
The contractors are finished using the acid. Sometime today, they are to commence with the clean-up of the basement to stop all our pipes and fixtures from corroding further.
K also laid out some of the troubles I have had with sleeping for the doctor and convinced her to give me a prescription for ambien. Occasionally, maybe once every few weeks, I have a difficult time sleeping and stay awake about half the night. I have been known to take K's ambien, but K doesn't like sharing, as she has only enough for herself, as she takes it virtually every night. The doctor handed over 30 tablets and one refill, so we figured that was a success.
Last night, we watched 13 Conversations about One Thing. Depressing. Watching the movie opened all of my anxieties regarding K's job situation and money. Normally, those anxieties are only a small fissure in my brain, but sometimes things like the movie act as a lever and open the crack further, so it allows the anxieties to escape. I felt guilty inflecting K with my worries, but she calmed me down and reassured me that things will be fine. It was her turn to be pollyanna.
I think I was more susceptible to worrying as my period is kicking in for the month. That seems to have a negative effect on my mood of late.
This morning I got up and went to the gym. Now we're sitting around both feeling slightly grumpy and knowing that we need to go out and run a few errarnds, including going to the mall. I hate going to the mall, but I have a pair of pants to pick up from the alterations department that I bought a couple weeks ago. K's having some pain shooting through her eye. We're not quite sure if it is stress-related or now that it might be related to the acid fumes. It's a beautiful spring day, and I'm sure we'll feel better soon.
It seems as if the basement boys have arrived to begin their day’s work at 12:30 pm. We both jumped a moment ago, as a large crash emanated from the basement. Maybe it will be time to abandon the house in a little bit.
No more sledgehammer in the skull
I'm feeling better today and able to at least look the world in the face. The base of my skull no longer feels as if someone has taken a sledgehammer to it. Bending over remains uncomfortable due to the pressure in my sinuses, but even that's better. Of course, this attitude adjustment could be due to 1000 mg. of acetaminophen and sinus medication.
All of this said, K nagged me into making an appointment with the doctor, so I'm headed out of the office at 1 pm to go visit the doctor. I'm just hoping for no antibiotics. I think K's concerned that this could be a side effect of the acid in the house, but she's coming along and will be able to quiz the doctor in person. Afterwards we get to go to the permanent farmer's market and purchase food for dinner.
The world is starting to look like a good place once again. Oh, and K has to take me to purchase my bribe for filling out her work forms for her last week. Or facilitating her completion of the work forms. I spotted a nice lime green bag in a shop down the street.
Mixed
I'm sick, stressed, and mildly worried. Let's start at the beginning of the list. The contractors have been using muriatic acid to strip lead paint from the walls of the basement. I began having a reaction in the form of coughing about two weeks ago. Now, I seem to be in the midst of a full blown sinus infection with pain coursing up and down the right side of my face. This morning it felt as if someone has taken a sledgehammer to the base of my skull. Doesn't help that the contractors are still using the acid in the basement. I'm home from work today, but hanging out in a coffee shop rather than at the house, not that the contractors are working. Urgh.
Stressed due to the contractors and K. The contractors have managed to destroy about $10K of electrical wiring and god knows what else in our basement. We had new conduit and a new electrical box installed late last year. It's all rusted and pitted and will need to be replaced with new. So far, they don't seem to have destroyed the new boiler, though one of the pipes has sprung a leak. The only good news is that it appears as if the National Park Service ceremony, which was to be held at the house in May, will be postponed. Our ranger has been ill for months and isn't able to plan for the ceremony.
K is also causing me stress. She in a mild rage state. She is angry at the contractors for the damage in the basement and she's angry about her situation at work. She didn't go in yesterday. Today, I convinced her to go in for the afternoon, while I came to the coffee shop. I had intended on going to work as well, but my manager called me and strongly discouraged me from coming in. He prefers if we stay out of the office when sick, though, I don't believe that I am contagious.
My worries come regarding K. I'm concerned about her mental state, despite the indications that she's doing well. When does life return to normal? We had a slice of it for a few months, but that seems to have been shattered since mid-February, when the job nightmare began. She's starting to think about other jobs, which is very positive. I keep reminding myself that we have held together this far and we will continue to do so.
I feel like whining this afternoon. Whenever I am ill, my whine switch kicks on. It's a good that I don't suffer from a chronic illneess, as no one would be able to tolerate my constant whining long enough to care for me.
Realization
As I'm sitting at the computer after completing my 2004 taxes, I had a realization. I'm dead tired and not feeling the greatest. I kept thinking that I would be able to escape the office early this afternoon and come home to feel miserable in bed. It didn't happen. Rather, I got caught on a useful, but lengthy phone call 5 minutes before my depature. It kept me at the office about 20 minutes later than normal.
K, for some reason, is livid with me. She was furious that I was late and won't explain any details. It may be that she's only tired, but her reaction is extreme. Due to the lateness and our own exhaustion, we chose not to try and cook dinner. She picked up fast food and I ate some frozen chinese thing from Trader Joe's. Right now, she's watching a movie and slowly geting over her anger.
However, returning to my realization, despite the disruptions to our schedule tonight and disruptions last night, we are still doing fine. Instead of freaking out, we're able to accommodate the changes and remain even tempered. That's a huge change from where we were in the fall and the contractors would drive us out of the house at night.
Of course, allow me to add, it's 8 pm and I'm ready to go to bed. Taxes are done. I have to pay in for Federal, but state is a return!!! Yippeee! I hate having to pay in, but even so, I'm coming out ahead.
The other good news is that I'm up for a promotion at work. I need to submit the paperwork and it isn't guaranteed, but having the opportunity is makes me happy.
K's job remains undecided. She had to reapply for her position. We spent the weekend writing essays, using every buzzword in the book. She bribed me to help by offering to buy me a new purse. I'm hoping we'll make it to the shop this coming weekend, so I can pick out my new green bag.
Enough babbling. I'm exhausted, but I will try to be better about writing.
Stress Continued
I haven't been writing recently for a couple of reasons. First, the pace of my job has increased making it more difficult for me to have any free time in the office to thing. As a result, I feel brain dead by the time I return home at night and I am less likely to want to even look at another computer.
Second, the contractors have been using acid to remove lead paint from the bricks in our basement. Slowly the acid is having an effect on us and on all metal objects in our home. For example, I noticed this morning that the dog's water bowl is slowly corroding from the fumes. They have another day or so to use the acid in the basement and then the clean-up process begins. But there is a great chance that the contractors will have to replace thousands of dollars of electrical work in the basement and we're hoping that our new boiler will not have to be replaced a second time, as a result of their carelessness with the acid. The contractors, despite multitudes of promises, did not properly ventiilate the space allowing the acid fumes to cause corrosion. Urgh, doesn't quite cover it.
The third stressor remains K's job situation. We spoke with the attorney and until K actually loses her job or is demoted there is nothing that they can do. The good news is that the attorney said that the process, chaotic though it is, is proceeding at a relatively normal pace. We're still hopeful that K will retain her position. She continues to handle all of the stress quite well, but it is hard with the house also being torn up at the same time.
K and I were talking this afternoon. I decided that I am going to sign up for a weekly yoga class and get my ass out of the house. I was making it to the gym and will probably go this afternoon, because I can feel tension radiating from every pore in my body, but I have been bad about going over the past two weeks. I need to do something for my mental health and I know that working out is my best stress reliever. A few years ago, I never would have believed it, but I've changed my mind since then.
The end result is that despite the stress beating us down, we're handling it well. K hides by watching movies and I'm working on my own stress relief plan with the yoga and gym. We'll make it through.
Progress
K and I survived my trip to Denver. I thoroughly enjoyed getting out of town for a night. I'm more relaxed and happier than I have been earlier this week. The trip was excellent except for a 100% full flight on the way home.
Quick report, K's feeling much better. She's at the office today and we have an appointment with the lawyers on Tuesday afternoon.
