Psychjourney
I received an e-mail the other day from Deborah Harper at
http://www.psychjourney.com. She was letting me know that she had posted a link to synergy at the above website blog links and was hoping for a recipricol link.
I went to the site and skimmed through some of the material quickly, but had a difficult time getting a good feel for it. I was wondering if anyone has heard of it or checked out. I do need to go back and look at it more closely, but thoughts are appreciated.
Thanks!
K's description of the weekend
Here is K's description of the work that was done this weekend. I hate it that she's a better creative writer than I am.
Wall and Bookcase? What wall and bookcase?
What a weekend! The built-in bookcase in the dining room always looked out of place. The trim didn't match the rest of the house and it made the dining room unbalanced. It was easy to see that it was an add-on. Given that it wasn't original, we decided to remove it and restore the room to its original configuration--fireplace and chimney centered on west wall with equidistant inset sections of wall. This also matches the configuration in the living room---fireplace and chimney built-out and centered on wall.
To remove the bookcase and restore the original configuration, we needed to remove the bookcase, and remove the plaster and lath above it. Once that was removed we found it only made sense to remove the dummy walls on either side of bookcase. So, more plaster and lath to remove. As we continue, it becomes more obvious that the mantel (definitely a tacked on, after-thought affair) will require one of the dummy walls, thus ensuring again that the room will be non-symetrical and thus, not as originally designed. So, you can see where this is going....mantel removed, dummy wall denuded of plaster and lath. Now we were faced with another decision--->remove the plaster from the fireplace and chimney (the lath from dummy wall extends over to fireplace and chimney)? Yes, more plaster removed. What does that mean by the way: plaster removed? Plaster removed = more dust and debris than one can imagine. Note: removing plaster from lathe is relatively easy. Removing plaster from brick is relatively difficult. Chip, chip, chip.....dust, dust, flying chips.....
Ok, so now we have removed all of the plaster. Now it is time to tackle the remaining beams that framed out the dummy walls and the inset bookcase. "L, are you interested in learning how to use the reciprocating saw?" L's response: "Sure!" The beams come down!
A bit of hauling of bagged debris to the yard and a day later and $175 later ($165 for trash removal and $10 tip), all beams, lath and plaster removed.
Now all that is left is cleaning up the rest of the ENTIRE house that is coated with DIRT and plaster DUST! Demolition project=2 days. Cleaning up after demolition:::>Ongoing.
Satisfaction: L says immense, K not sure yet....ok, some satisfaction but, when do the cleaning ladies get here?
Chaos in the Household
I just wrote a long post and Blogger deleted it. Urgh!
The past weekend has been chaos around the house. Not necessarily bad chaos, but the chaos of home renovation, which can set your nerves on edge. Everything is out of place, filthy, and strange people keep coming over to view the property.
We own a 130-150 year old house. No one seems quite sure of the exact date when it was built. During much of the century or century and a half history, maintenance has been severely neglected. So since we purchased 3 years ago, we've been slowly working through the backlog.
This weekend started with off with the living room chimney being relined. It provided to be a more difficult and messier job than either we or the chimney crew anticipated. Hence, our entire living room and furniture was covered with dirt and soot by the end of the day. Given that condition of the house, I suggested we do a project we had been putting off for some time, the destruction of a built-in bookcase in the dining room.
The bookcase was clearly not original to the house, and I expected to find evidence of plaster and so forth behind it. Well, quite a bit of plaster dust, sawed timbers, and exposed brick later, the bookcase was out along with the entire mantel in the dining room. The mantel removal was not planned, but we truly hated it and it didn't seem to be original. It didn't match the other mantel in the living room. It took us two days of work to get it all out and piled in the backyard. My face was sore from the respirator. And at 8 pm Sunday evening (we usually go to bed at 9 pm on Sundays) we crawled off to a restaurant for a late dinner.
All of the above things are signs of health. Even a month or two ago, the thought of willfully putting our house into a state of chaos would have sent both K and myself hiding under the bed. Saturday was good. K got through it fine. But she didn't sleep well on Saturday night and Sunday was a struggle.
She is the type, who is disturbed if things are out of order. I'm not talking about just something being in the wrong place, but having the furniture moved around, dirt everywhere (not able to sit because every surface is too filthy to touch), and books piled over the house starts to get to her. She struggled on Sunday. This is also combined with a lack of downtime, because we were working on the house throughout the weekend. I tried to take on more of the work and get through it, to relieve her of the pressure of worrying about it.
On some of the bipolar blogs I read, people discuss good, productive mania. We were wishing that K had that type of mania instead of the dysphoric rage mania, which isn't good for anything. I'm speaking somewhat sarcastically, but a good surge of energy would have been useful.
It also didn't help that Monday night, instead of having a quiet opportunity to clean up the house, we had contractors over to view the basement. Finding contractors has been a challenge. Even though it is a big job, it is nasty. No one seems interested in digging up 1400 cubic feet of dirt our of our basement. Any case, we found a third contractor and he's been by twice to look at the basement and discuss possibilities with us. This is also stressful. Visualizing finished projects isn't K's strength. Talking these guys through exactly what we want and understanding what they are telling us in construction language can be a bit of a challenge.
In the end, last night we were both exhausted, but strangely wired as well. I even let K give me a sleeping pill to settle me down, which I believe is a first. That meant I was a bit slow rising this morning and she had to deal with this morning's contractor to haul trash away (from the dining room project) at 6:30 am.
We've wanted to do these projects for a while. The dining room is mostly done, but we now need the plasterer to come in and plaster all the brick, which will be another messy job. But the logistics and stress of doing them take a toll on K. Her eyes are deeper and her brow is coming out over the eyes. We haven't reached the danger zone of the furrowed brow yet; however, I realize her meds are getting stretched as to how well they work with this chaos. The additional stress of choosing someone to do the basement and make the financial decisions regarding the cost of the buildout is another burden.
These are things we want to do. We've talked about them for years and now we can make them a reality. I don't want the price of those desires to be paid for in K's health. I don't think it will happen, but we are working hard to ensure it won't.
because of or despite of?
Last night, after returning home from a neighborhood meet & greet and an attempt to organize yet ANOTHER neighborhood group (Our neighborhood groups have sub-neighborhood groups, it's absurd.) , K and I had a minute to sit down. I told her about Linda Hamilton coming forward with bipolar disorder.
Last night, she couldn't sleep, so she went online and begin searching for other famous people, who suffered from bipolar disorder. Some of the people on the lists were very surprising to me, Sting, Sir Winston Churchill, Sir Isaac Newton, Abraham Lincoln, Madonna. I have to wonder how they know some of the historical figures suffered from bipolar disorder. No explanation is provided, but here's the
link. (Note: I quickly reviewed the rest of the site, there are some good resources, but the rest of the content seems more marketing for psychoanalysis.) My question is as to this list of people, are they successful because they have bipolar disorder or despite having bipolar disorder?
Bipolar disorder is listed as a disability under the
Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). This allows for protections against losing your job, special accommodations to allow for the disease, and legal protection against discrimination. This does mean that you have to tell your supervisor that you have a chronic illness.
K's not had to fight legally, but she has notified her supervisor, who's wonderful, that she has bipolar disorder. When K was very ill, her supervisor did everything in her power to protect K and make sure there was no pressure from the office. K asked her not to tell anyone else about the bipolar diagnoses. That said, K's supervisor has received pressure from above to say why K has been out of work so much over the past 20 months, and the ADA has been invoked as a protection. If too much pressure is exerted, K always has the option to file a complaint against the ones putting on pressure, citing the ADA.
That story was a long-winded way of getting around to saying K found another list of successful people, who all have disabilities. This
one is very current and includes the Linda Hamilton announcement and a number of other bpers.
Another bipolar celebrity
I could make a snide remark about celebrity behavior often mimicking mental illness, but I'll work on rising above it. In all seriousness, it is good that people are publicly coming forward and admitting to suffering from bipolar disorder. Each time it lessens the stigma a bit more.
Linda Hamilton announced last week that she's suffered from bipolar disorder for 20 years. You can read an interview
here. I would like to thank
Tidal Moods for the information. For those seeking other bp blogs, this one is very well written and descriptive of the disease.
Grief & Fear
Despite the time and distance from K's heart attack and the other illnesses, which continued throughout 2003, I remain frightened of the might-have-beens, such as a misdiagnoses of the heart attack, a correct diagnoses of congestive heart failure, etc. The possibilities are fairly lengthy, as she had a number of close calls. Fortunately, I cannot say enough good things about her doctors and the hospital, even the psych ward came through.
The fear is buried deeper as time passes and I can believe that things will be all right. But, the grief that I might have lost her remains with me. Reading descriptions of lost loves through unexpected death forces me to confront what might have happened and what I fear still may happen to me.
Clarification: I don't fear K taking her own life rather the heart condition or some other unknown condition killing her. Her heart is in good condition and there don't appear to be any other symptoms, but I still fear the unknown, terrorism, or even a bus hopping the curb unexpectedly. K came too close to the 9/11 attack.
One interesting thing is that prior to K's heart attack for about six months, she worried constantly that she was going to die. A feeling of impending doom or threat hung over her and she frequently spoke of her death. This was a period, where she was stable and there was no evident reason for the fear. Afterwards, she did reading that showed heart attack victims frequently experience similar feelings several months before the attack.
She harbors the same fears for my safety that I might be killed in my daily commute or an errant police car spinning out of control and hitting people on the sidewalk. She constantly drags me back from the edge of the curb and admonishes me to be careful throughout my day.
Right now, I'm reading
Stay by Nicola Griffith. Thus far, the writing is amazing. Her use of descriptive language and adjectives lends depth and power to the story. Her main character, Aud, lost her lover unexpectedly, and the story describes Aud's grief and sense of loss and abandonment. The intensity of the language had me in tears last night, even though K was next to me in bed. I could too easily imagine feeling abandoned and alone, and I don't want to even know what those feelings are like.
My imagination fails me as I try to think about how I would work through the grief and pain and life without K. Right now, I have no need to do so, but it's as if I believe that thinking through it will soften the blow, if something did happen. I doubt it would help, but there is an urge to protect myself. I can't imagine her not being there.
I have no resolution to the above problem other than to allow time to heal me more fully, which is taking place.
The good news is that once K got through the few days last week, she felt better for the weekend and went to work without any internal struggle today. Things are going well again.
PMS Culprit
Things are getting back to normal. K began to feel better on Friday and today she seems back to normal. It appears that PMS was the culprit. The doctors don't seem to know anything about this, but K's therapist thought it was perfectly rationale that PMS would send her moods spinning.
This morning, we have already made up our menu for next week, the grocery list, and agreed on what we need to do today. Now, we're heading out the door to Dr. M's. I'm the chauffeur.
Another bad day
K wasn't able to get up again this morning. I'm hoping that it is something simple like PMS, which will pass in a day or two. PMS has the potential to send her spinning deep into the depths of depression and rage. Afterwards, it lifts and things are fine again. But then I wonder, am I trying to rationalize her bad days rather than looking for the real cause.
Each of these incidents makes me question myself and creates this overwhelming feeling of sadness, which permeates every ounce of my being. Right now, it isn't too bad, but when K wasn't able to get up this morning, I felt the sadness welling up inside of me. When I'm in this state, I become over sensitive to every song, sappy thought, whatever. I have to hold onto myself to prevent tears from overflowing at times.
Even after almost a year has passed, my memories of the depths of her illness still hold power over me. She doesn't have these memories, and I haven't shared many of them with her. The ECT, medications, and the illness have mercifully erased them. I've told only what she needs to know for her medical care.
These memories are mine and I'm not able to share them. In a relationship, where we share virtually everything, there's this part, which is blocked from K. The illness has created communication barriers. I don't want to tell her every thought and feeling, because it hurts her too much. I end up feeling alone. There doesn't seem to be anyone to share these thoughts, memories, and pain with me, so writing it might help. That's what I've been doing in some of the posts over the past few weeks, working through that history.
Back to today, all I can do is hope this isn't a downturn for her and she'll be able to go to work tomorrow. Calling Dr. M is one of her challenges, and if she's home tomorrow I've tried to get her to promise to make that call. Except, K believes it is better to try and ignore her inability to function. Or ignore it for a little while, in hopes that it goes away. I'm ready for it all to be over.
Hasty?
The events of the past few days have me wondering if I have assumed too quickly that there were no lasting effects from our trip. K was still sleeping at 1:30 pm, when I last spoke to her. This morning, she didn't want me to leave the house, because she was frightened something would happen to me and she wasn't feeling mentally well.
After having her take a xanax and getting her back to sleep, I left for work and arrived about an hour late. It isn't a problem with my office, but it is a bad sign that it was necessary for me to stay home with K.
I have noticed a higher level of jitteriness in her the past few days, but I've been trying to rationalize and ignore it. Today it was no longer possible. It isn't a major crash, but it's the first set-back like this, since early July.
Things are bothering K right now. For example, she gained 30 pounds while on Seraquol. After going off it, she promptly lost 10, but hasn't been able to budge the other 20, much to her dismay. But, she also has not gained any weight. When she mentally struggles, the extra weight disgusts her. She doesn't like it when she feels better, but she can handle it. Right now, it puts her in tears to think about it.
This weekend, she was very tired. I put it down to the trip and I believe it is caused by our trip over Labor Day. Yesterday, she was able to work from home, but said she wouldn't work if she had to go to the office.
She's been hiding in movies. We don't actually receive any channels or watch tv, but we do watch movies. When K's brain is harassing her, she retreats to watch movies.
Each of these things is an indication that she's struggling. I'm fearful, because this is exactly the time last year when the spiral began. It's also the time when it is dark when we awake and is dark earlier in the evening. This is the time of year she finds the most challenging.
The other key is that she hasn't seen her therapist in two weeks. I'll encourage her to call Dr. M, the therapist, tonight, but she may not be willing/able to do so. I never realized the importance of Dr. M, until she was ill for 6 weeks, and K went spinning.
When I made it to the office this morning, I was feeling vulnerable. I'm reminding myself that a bad morning doesn't mean anymore than a bad morning, but . . . . I'm still worried.
Enemy of Bipolar
Exhaustion appears to be the enemy of K and perhaps others suffering from bipolar. But I can only speak for K.
Exhaustion sneaks up and takes K unawares until suddenly her reactions are different, she lacks the ability to move, and everything becomes a chore. It limits her ability to fight dysphoric mania and lead a "normal" life.
And yet, it seems everything we do causes exhaustion. Going out of town last weekend, working for the week, visiting with friends on weeknights, celebrating K's birthday last night. Each one of those activities leaves her vunerable and increases my frustration with the illness.
K likes to be rigid and make blanket statements along the lines of "We will not do anything on weeknights." Okay, fine. But, how do we see friends who are busy on the weekends? How do we participate in the neighborhood meetings, which occur during the week? How do we run the errands that we need to complete? Our life cannot be put off until Saturday and Sunday. We also have every other Friday off, but still. . . only so much can be stuffed into that time.
K isn't as rigid as the statement above. Well, she says it, but she doesn't stick to it, since it is too difficult. But one result is that she is exhausted. This weekend especially, even though we only had a three day work week.
The lines between her eyes, which are the bellwether to her mood, deepen. Her face becomes drawn and pale and the freckles more visible. She has difficulty helping around the house. She withdraws and doesn't want to communicate much with the outside world.
We're struggling to live with bipolar. I become angry at K's constraints. Even knowing that she has to take care of herself to manage the illness, I still feel as if I run into a wall when she isn't able to play with me.
My reactions to her illness can also be out of proportion. Frustration and anger make me cry and when I sob my self-control slips and I have hard time stopping. It angers K to see the effect that she has had on the person she loves the most.
Despite these incidents things are good. But I keep hoping that the exhaustion will lessen over time. I believe it has, but the progress is hard to measure on a day-to-day basis. My memory plays tricks on me to try and remember a week ago or month ago. Exhaustion is the biggest block and the greatest danger for us both.
K Birthday
Card:
BE HAPPY FOR THIS MOMENT. THIS MOMENT IS YOUR LIFE. [OMAR KHAYYAM]
Inside:
K,
Happy Birthday! Choosing a card is difficult, because reaching this birthday was such a challenge. I don't want to give you something trite.
Not only today, but everyday, I want you to be happy and revel in being alive and your successes in staying alive.
I become choked up thinking about the difficulties of the past year and how happy I am that we made it to celebrate your 42nd birthday.
I love you so much.
Your L
Continued Good News
We are several days out from our trip and things are continuing to go well. We're on the tired side, but that's normal after having gone away, but nothing worse than tired.
By nothing worse, I mean that K hasn't gone into a spin from visiting with her family. She's made it to work all week and hasn't had any symptoms of dysphoric mania or depression. We managed to cook on Monday and had leftovers Tuesday, but last night we went out to dinner with a friend instead of cooking. We're frequently tempted to go out rather than deal with dinner at home, but we usually fight the urge.
Tonight, we have dinner guests, and I've already picked up two huge steaks for the grill. No temptation to go out tonight.
I frequently write about the little things, such as whether we had the energy to cook or not, and I know it isn't the most interesting. But it is those things, which act as the bellwether to our mental state.
One flare-up did occur this week. An opportunity arose at my work to go out in the field doing emergency work for 2-3 weeks. The conditions would have been fairly nasty, and it certainly isn't work I want to perform on a regular basis, but it sounded interesting.
K wouldn't really even discuss it. She flatly refused to consider my leaving for that period of time. Initially, when we discussed it via e-mail, she gave the house renovations as the reason that I shouldn't leave. Then, at home, when I pushed, she finally came out with her health.
I couldn't understand why she just didn't say that initially. Her response was that she was ashamed and she feels as if I am being denied another opportunity due to her health. What I told her is I need reassurance that she won't have a problem with me going for those periods of time, once her health improves.
What most frustrated me about the entire incident was that it was difficult to talk to her about my desire to go. It is an opportunity, which will probably come again, but I felt hemmed in by the circumstances.
The disease and K's limitations do exercise the feeling of being trapped over me on occasion. The feeling surfaces when I think about what I've given up over the past 20 months; a trip to Hawaii to present a paper, some financial security, the loss of my partner for periods of time, the stress involved in caring for someone. All of that takes a toll and continues to take a toll. I'm not angry, but it makes me sad when I think about it.
I got angry that she wouldn't talk about the possibility of my leaving. Her face cl0sed down and I could tell that she was fighting to hold in the rage, in the form of dysphoric mania. I asked that she reassure me that it wouldn't always be so, because I would feel too trapped by the relationship if that were the case. At that, she angrily told me to just go. That wasn't the right answer either.
I can accept that now is not the right time. She's come a very long way in the past two months, but I can understand her fear if the household were disrupted. But I struggle with the idea that I will never be able to go off exploring on my own.
The argument exhausted us. K promptly fell asleep on the couch and I wasn't able to even think clearly. We did make it through and the whole thing was only 30 minutes long, but the day to day management of bipolar is still right there in our faces.
I want bipolar to go away, but that's a childish wish.
Gmail invitations
Quick note: I have six gmail invitations. If anyone checking this is interested, leave a comment with your e-mail address and I'll send you an invite.
Weekend Survival
We did better than survive. We managed to spend time with K's family, have fun, and make it home with no apparent ill effects. I'm not yet convinced that the ill effects won't manifest, but at the moment, I'm satisfied.
We went out on Thursday. As I said in my previous post, the is the first trip that K has gone on, since we did this same trip last year and it sent her into a deep spiral downwards. Before going out, I was worried. K kept trying to reassure me that everything would go well, but I couldn't quite let go of the low-grade concern.
Thursday, we kept the day to ourselves. We ate many of our favorite foods, picked out some furniture for the house, went out for a nice dinner (dinner would have been excellent, if the chef hadn't been mad for garlic. My god, my mouth began to burn from the massive quantities.), and managed to get out to a bar and have a drink. In truth, I had a drink and she had a diet coke. (Note: Bartenders, learn how to make lemon drop martinis. It is not just straight vodka in a glass with a piece of lemon!) I was astonished we had the stamina to do it all, but it was good.
Friday, we met up with K's parents for lunch. The purpose of the trip was to spend some time sailing on a boat her family has been building for many years. It was a two year project, which has now spanned 36 years and is nowhere near finished. We were thrilled to be able to see the boat on it's mooring from our hotel room window.
We limit the stress on us both by not staying with her family. Rather we stay in the city near the shopping restaurants, and nightlife. It also gives us more downtime.
Friday we had intended on sailing, until K accidently caused a fire on the boat by hitting some exposed wiring. The smoke billowed and her pants were scorched, but nothing serious happened. Her medications have impaired her ability to move easily on the rocking boat. It took her by surprise. Our sailing for the day was shot. We then went out to a Polish restaurant for dinner. The food was excellent, but plentiful and heavy. Every patron was leaving the restaurant with shopping bags of leftovers. K's mother scooped up all our leftovers.
Saturday, the whole family was on the boat and we headed out for a long sail. It was so long that we didn't make it to dinner until 9 pm. Excellent dinner, but . . . 9 pm was even later for us, because of the time changes.
One of the challenges of the trip was schedule. I believe that I may have complained about K's inflexibility when it comes to her schedule. It was flexed this weekend. The good thing is that the flexing didn't break her.
Instead of managing to eat around 7-7:30 pm, we were eating more in the 9-10 pm range. Instead of 9-10 pm bedtime, we were more in the midnight-1 am timeframe. But it worked. K worried about her schedule, but she trusted herself enough to go off it for the trip.
One especially good thing is we allowed a recovery day after arriving home. Arriving home late Sunday night, and having Monday as the holiday gave us a break. I don't think either of us would have done well going to the office today. Errands, preparing for the week, and resting up are on today's agenda. K's currently napping, while I ran to the store and am preparing chicken soup for dinner.
All the interactions with K's family were also good. She enjoyed seeing them, even though she's sad about leaving them to return home, it's not a depressed sad. She struggles to tell the difference and does recognize the difference; it just frightens her to ever be sad.
K keeps trying to convince me that she's fine and no fallout will occur from this trip. I hope not. Right now, I'm pleased, but it will be a couple more days before I'm convinced that there will be no emotional fallout; however, the signs are looking good.
