synergy

Another bad day

K wasn't able to get up again this morning. I'm hoping that it is something simple like PMS, which will pass in a day or two. PMS has the potential to send her spinning deep into the depths of depression and rage. Afterwards, it lifts and things are fine again. But then I wonder, am I trying to rationalize her bad days rather than looking for the real cause.

Each of these incidents makes me question myself and creates this overwhelming feeling of sadness, which permeates every ounce of my being. Right now, it isn't too bad, but when K wasn't able to get up this morning, I felt the sadness welling up inside of me. When I'm in this state, I become over sensitive to every song, sappy thought, whatever. I have to hold onto myself to prevent tears from overflowing at times.

Even after almost a year has passed, my memories of the depths of her illness still hold power over me. She doesn't have these memories, and I haven't shared many of them with her. The ECT, medications, and the illness have mercifully erased them. I've told only what she needs to know for her medical care.

These memories are mine and I'm not able to share them. In a relationship, where we share virtually everything, there's this part, which is blocked from K. The illness has created communication barriers. I don't want to tell her every thought and feeling, because it hurts her too much. I end up feeling alone. There doesn't seem to be anyone to share these thoughts, memories, and pain with me, so writing it might help. That's what I've been doing in some of the posts over the past few weeks, working through that history.

Back to today, all I can do is hope this isn't a downturn for her and she'll be able to go to work tomorrow. Calling Dr. M is one of her challenges, and if she's home tomorrow I've tried to get her to promise to make that call. Except, K believes it is better to try and ignore her inability to function. Or ignore it for a little while, in hopes that it goes away. I'm ready for it all to be over.

posted by synergy @ 7:31 AM