The events of the past few days have me wondering if I have assumed too quickly that there were no lasting effects from our trip. K was still sleeping at 1:30 pm, when I last spoke to her. This morning, she didn't want me to leave the house, because she was frightened something would happen to me and she wasn't feeling mentally well.

After having her take a xanax and getting her back to sleep, I left for work and arrived about an hour late. It isn't a problem with my office, but it is a bad sign that it was necessary for me to stay home with K.

I have noticed a higher level of jitteriness in her the past few days, but I've been trying to rationalize and ignore it. Today it was no longer possible. It isn't a major crash, but it's the first set-back like this, since early July.

Things are bothering K right now. For example, she gained 30 pounds while on Seraquol. After going off it, she promptly lost 10, but hasn't been able to budge the other 20, much to her dismay. But, she also has not gained any weight. When she mentally struggles, the extra weight disgusts her. She doesn't like it when she feels better, but she can handle it. Right now, it puts her in tears to think about it.

This weekend, she was very tired. I put it down to the trip and I believe it is caused by our trip over Labor Day. Yesterday, she was able to work from home, but said she wouldn't work if she had to go to the office.

She's been hiding in movies. We don't actually receive any channels or watch tv, but we do watch movies. When K's brain is harassing her, she retreats to watch movies.

Each of these things is an indication that she's struggling. I'm fearful, because this is exactly the time last year when the spiral began. It's also the time when it is dark when we awake and is dark earlier in the evening. This is the time of year she finds the most challenging.

The other key is that she hasn't seen her therapist in two weeks. I'll encourage her to call Dr. M, the therapist, tonight, but she may not be willing/able to do so. I never realized the importance of Dr. M, until she was ill for 6 weeks, and K went spinning.

When I made it to the office this morning, I was feeling vulnerable. I'm reminding myself that a bad morning doesn't mean anymore than a bad morning, but . . . . I'm still worried.


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