Grief & Fear

Despite the time and distance from K's heart attack and the other illnesses, which continued throughout 2003, I remain frightened of the might-have-beens, such as a misdiagnoses of the heart attack, a correct diagnoses of congestive heart failure, etc. The possibilities are fairly lengthy, as she had a number of close calls. Fortunately, I cannot say enough good things about her doctors and the hospital, even the psych ward came through.

The fear is buried deeper as time passes and I can believe that things will be all right. But, the grief that I might have lost her remains with me. Reading descriptions of lost loves through unexpected death forces me to confront what might have happened and what I fear still may happen to me.

Clarification: I don't fear K taking her own life rather the heart condition or some other unknown condition killing her. Her heart is in good condition and there don't appear to be any other symptoms, but I still fear the unknown, terrorism, or even a bus hopping the curb unexpectedly. K came too close to the 9/11 attack.

One interesting thing is that prior to K's heart attack for about six months, she worried constantly that she was going to die. A feeling of impending doom or threat hung over her and she frequently spoke of her death. This was a period, where she was stable and there was no evident reason for the fear. Afterwards, she did reading that showed heart attack victims frequently experience similar feelings several months before the attack.

She harbors the same fears for my safety that I might be killed in my daily commute or an errant police car spinning out of control and hitting people on the sidewalk. She constantly drags me back from the edge of the curb and admonishes me to be careful throughout my day.

Right now, I'm reading Stay by Nicola Griffith. Thus far, the writing is amazing. Her use of descriptive language and adjectives lends depth and power to the story. Her main character, Aud, lost her lover unexpectedly, and the story describes Aud's grief and sense of loss and abandonment. The intensity of the language had me in tears last night, even though K was next to me in bed. I could too easily imagine feeling abandoned and alone, and I don't want to even know what those feelings are like.

My imagination fails me as I try to think about how I would work through the grief and pain and life without K. Right now, I have no need to do so, but it's as if I believe that thinking through it will soften the blow, if something did happen. I doubt it would help, but there is an urge to protect myself. I can't imagine her not being there.

I have no resolution to the above problem other than to allow time to heal me more fully, which is taking place.

The good news is that once K got through the few days last week, she felt better for the weekend and went to work without any internal struggle today. Things are going well again.


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