5.27.2005

Upbeat

It's been a stressful week for K and for me, but we've weathered it well. As I began to expect, K was more worried about not knowing with the job rather than worrying about the future once she found out. Basically, last week was hell due to uncertainty. Once she found out that she was to be placed in the developmental group, she's been okay.

I'll go into more detail, but the synopsis of the week is that K has realized that the reorganization at her office may have a very good outcome for her professionally and get her out of her rut. Also, she's feeling more optimistic about the future. [Now, you can skip all my lengthy descriptions, if you would like.]

K went to speak to her new manager this week. He was extremely impressed by her qualifications and he said his job is to find her a permanent position in the organization. Hence, this helped to counteract the negative feedback she received last week. He also recommended that she find a mentor and develop a individual development plan to plan for professional development. It's amazing how those little comments can make you feel worthwhile and wanted.

The other nice thing is that this guy immediately wanted K to come and work for him on a massive project that he's responsible for completing in two years. By today, we are both feeling less scared and I'm starting to think that this reorg might have a very positive outcome for K.

One interesting thing that I realized this week is how little K talks about her job. When I arrive home, I usually share with her things that happened throughout the day or frustrations with one of my projects. She will occasionally tell me about some conversation, but not much more. Well, this week that all changed. Upon arriving home, K began talking for 1.5 or 2 hours to tell me everything about her day and the conversations she had been having with her potentially new managers. It made me realize that she could be much happier and more engaged at the office than she has been. It appears as if there are three possible places for her to end up and it sounds like each one would be a good fit and she would receive support.

One thing holding K back has been her sick leave situation. She used 6 weeks of advanced sick leave while she was ill. She's been paying it back over time, but she's also continued to use it at times. Right now she still owes 3 weeks. Any case, she's been terrified that no one would take on someone with a negative leave balance. Her new manager took one look at it and asked what was the big deal that she had 3 weeks leave outstanding. It was a huge relief to her and took a burden of guilt off her shoulders.

K's done a great job of handling this, though she is pretty worn down today. I no longer have the sinking feeling and knot in my stomach, which were there much of last week. My anxiety immediately disappeared. I rarely feel anxious for myself, as I'm confident that I can handle anything that comes in my direction. But I frequently feel anxious for K. Example: Yesterday there were a few explosions outside her building. Turned out to be nothing and I wasn't worried about terrorism. Rather, I was worried that K would react badly. I was in an all-day meeting and couldn't contact her till noon (several hours after the incident.) I didn't change my behavior, but I was concerned. She was fine. Only thing that irritated her is that security wouldn't allow anyone to leave her building.

I'm trying to move away from worrying about her and believing that she'll be able to handle things. I'm getting better. But it's hard to let go, when I remember how helpless she was during her illness. Still, I'm making progress and trusting K's instincts.

We're off tomorrow for a wedding in the countryside. Should be a beautiful drive.

5.23.2005

Another Caretaker Blog

I found a blog written by the spouse of someone with bipolar disorder. His story, as much as I read, sounds significantly more challenging than my life with K. We are both strongly committed to making the relationship work and we don't have any children to worry about. Any case, here's the link to Dan's Journal.

Is it light on the horizon or a fake dawn?

K did get up and go to the office this morning, even though she had a rough night. I, on the other hand, had quickly drifted off to sleep clutching the heating pad. I'm trying to turn to heat to mitigate cramps, as my doctor is after me over to reduce my iboprofen intake.

But, once K made it to the office, she was told that she did score very highly for one of the jobs for which she had applied. So there MAY be something available. Everything was stated very tentatively. Apparently, it isn't certain if the person in the position is going to leave. She's worked for the manager before and he's very low key. Not a terribly good leader, but someone, who doesn't worry about you if you get your work done. The two of them get along well.

No idea as when there will be a definite yes or no, but she's working on positioning herself for the position.

5.21.2005

Rough Ride Ahead

It's going to be a difficult weekend. K's reacting very badly to news that she's been placed in a "developmental" division to give her an opportunity to work on her leadership and problem solving skills. I have to agree that I would be furious, embarrassed, hurt, and ashamed. She's all of the above at extreme levels.

I believe that she has effective leadership and problem solving skills, but she hasn't been focused on her job. For the past 2.5 years, survival has been her highest priority, and I would like to think that I have been her second highest priority. Her job has been a distant third. Also, for K, those two skill sets are the most disrupted by her bipolar disorder. Regardless of what the reason is, she's struggling with what she sees as a confirmation that she is bad.

I'm trying to ride out the wave. I'm hoping that once she reaches acceptance of what happens, then she'll be able to go ahead and focus on whatever assignment they give her to develop those skills. I've seen these cycles before. Previously, I would challenge every negative assertion she made, but I don't have the energy. Nor do I believe it helps. Now, I only challenge the ones which are absolutely ridiculous. The rest of the time I try to hold her and let her rant to get the anger out of her system.

In addition to the anger, it seems as if she is trying to punish herself by not taking either xanex or ambien. Of course, those meds don't solve the problem, but they do provide a mental buffer to keep the pain away. Finally, last night I was awoken at 2 am by the sound of her crying in anger and frustration. It turned out that she hadn't taken anything and had been miserable for 4 hours. I woke up enough to convince her to take some xanex, which put her to sleep in a few minutes. Then I ended up being awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night.

K has an appointment with her therapist this morning. I'm hoping that her therapist, who is wonderful, will be able to calm her somewhat and offer some perspective. I started out the morning by working off stress in the gym.

Yesterday, as we were picking up Greek take-out for dinner, I ran into my personal trainer, who I haven't seen in about a year. The best part was listening him tell me that he doesn't have time to work out and hearing him order french fries. But, seeing him made me realize that his help and routines are what kept me sane and off anti-depressants throughout the worst bouts of K's illness. I should have said thank you. Next time I see him, I will.

5.20.2005

Catch up

I know that I have been bad about blogging lately. Last week was insanely busy. I was gone most of the time, and by the time I returned home on Sunday afternoon, I was exhausted. Monday, I took off to recover, but I have still had to drag myself through the rest of the week. Finally, it's Friday afternoon and I'm starting to feel more human.

First, my week last week was great. I spent a couple of days at a professional development retreat, the kick-off for a nine month program to aid in networking and career development. I wasn't sure what to expect, but the whole thing went well. I was more comfortable with the group of 25 than I expected to be. I've been paired with a guy and it appears we will get along fine.

After returning home from the retreat, I had a night at home before heading to Smith College for my 10 year reunion. I was somewhat skeptical about the whole thought of going and had coerced a couple of friends to join me. I ended up having an excellent time. I had forgotten how beautiful the campus and region are. It was also special having a weekend to hangout and spend with friends. However, I was feeling ready to come home. After 10 years, I am no longer suited to dorm life, even life in nice house dorms.

This week, it feels as if things have begun to fall apart. K's job situation is coming to a head and she was to have been informed of her new placement by today. However, she's been out of the office on Thursday and Friday, since her rage has taken over. When she's not sucked into the rage, then she realizes that this may be a great opportunity to try something new. In the meantime, it's pretty stressful.

I have been walking around with a feeling of dread due to K's job situation. I have fears that she'll be out of work and we won't be able to cover our expenses. I am concerned that she'll become ill enough, as a result of these changes, that she won't be able to work. Every worst case possibility flits through my brain creating these dark, gloomy hallucinations to haunt any free moment. The knots in my stomach also are growing tighter as we continue down this path.

Part of the time, I am angry. Why is this happening? Why can't we be happy and stable and normal? I ready for all this to subside. K's rage and anger make it difficult for the two of us to communicate. Even knowing that is isn't directed at me, I still tend to react on a personal level. However, I expect her to be able to take her situation at work professionally and not put it at the personal level. Probably inconsistent of me, but that's what I would like her to be able to do.

I'm hoping that the weekend will bring some relief to us both. Once K reaches a state of acceptance regarding the job, it will make everything else much easier.

5.11.2005

Underway

It's a busy week. I was gone on an offsite for a professional development program for the past three days. I arrived home this afternoon, and I feel exhausted. I'm an introvert, so I feel that people can suck my energy levels and tire me. The majority of the group are extreme extroverts, who thrive on the feeling of community and togetherness. Though, I will say that even they were wearing out towards the end.

Tomorrow, I leave for my 10 year college reunion. So I get to see K tonight, then I will be off again until Sunday. The good part is that I am taking off Monday to recover from all this excitement.

K is feeling better. I was concerned when I left on Monday, because she didn't make it into work on Monday, but she was there yesterday and today. That's a good indicator that she's feeling able to handle things, despite her general unhappiness with the situation.

As part of my professional development offsite, I learned a few things about myself and my preferences in regards to work and structure. I'll talk more about that later and explain how that impacts my caretaking abilities.

For now, I'm signing off.

5.04.2005

Back

Okay, okay, I realize that I have been quiet for far too long. Last week was a busy week and it didn't help that K was out of work all week with a bad cold. I was ill for a couple of days with what I thought was food poisoning, now I believe it was an intestinal virus that is going around. The house felt like a sick ward.

Not too much to report. I received my promotion, which is good news. I also participated in the kick-off reception for a networking/development training program that I was selected to join. My career is going well. I keep hoping that it won't be a point of contention for K, as we do work in the same (albeit) large organization. Unfortunately, that leads her to compare our career paths, which have been different.

K's path has had many more hurdles and obstacles. Mine has been relatively smooth with only one bad manager or two tossed in the mix. What my promotion does is put me in a higher position than K, earning more money. When she's upset, she does focus on the difference a bit and with her office in chaos this is just another black mark against them in her mind.

We've somewhat resolved issues with the basement contractors. They are currently assessing the situation and will propose resolutions. But they didn't try to argue or defend their actions. We're not too irritated with them at the moment. We also, tentatively, agreed that they would push to have the basement complete by July 1 and provide us a schedule to achieve that goal.

Things are okay, not great. Our four year anniversary, since the commitment ceremony, is tomorrow. I haven't done anything and neither has K. We've been talking about going to dinner either tomorrow or Friday. We'll see.

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