Usually, I don't post when I am angry, as I was when I wrote yesterday morning. This evening, I'm no longer angry, but sad. It seems as if off and on I spent the entire day in tears.
K didn't make it in to the office again this morning. She had asked me to drive her in last night, but then this morning she said that she could tell her thoughts were distorted. She said that she was standing outside of her body and could feel that her thinking wasn't right. I didn't even get angry. I rolled over and went back to sleep after holding her a few minutes.
I'm sad and upset. I want to blame most of it on my period. The last few months, it seems as if my period is draining all my energy as the blood is released. Not a pleasant image, but accurate. Additionally, we continue to have leakage problems in the basement and learned that there should have been more prevention work done prior to the concrete floor being laid. Now, we may have to deal with continual dampness and seepage. K offered to call the contractor and handle it, but I couldn't face the thought of even having the conversation with him. We tell him exactly what to do and what materials to buy and then he and his little contractor friends don't follow the directions, screw up the installation, and it doesn't work. The sump pump that they installed a few weeks ago makes a very irritating high pitched scream when it's on and last night continued to run despite there being no water to pump. Needless to say, I'm not in a good mood.
I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now. Things, non-specific things that I am unable to define, are not good. I'm still on the verge of tears and K's wired as well. K suggested that we take tomorrow to spoil ourselves as it's been a miserable year between her job and the basement. We're not sure what we will do yet, but it will be something nice like spending the day in bed.
January 1 is the anniversary of K's heart attack. It will have been 3 years since the attack and when she quit smoking. She would like me to make it k-creature day to celebrate the day rather than mourning the changes that the heart attack brought to our life. My thought is to start the day off with a nice brunch and then go one from there, maybe a movie (one actually in the theater) or something else special that we rarely do.
One last bit of news, K and I are aunties. Her sister had the baby on Wednesday afternoon. Everyone's doing well, and I believe that we will try to head out there in two weeks.
This morning I am very disappointed, frustrated, and angry. What keeps going through my mind is what are the boundaries on living with someone, who has bipolar? Where do my responsibilities begin and end? What are her responsibilities?
K didn't make it to work again this morning. She missed yesterday and with the exception of one week, she's missed two days every week this month. That's not a good record. Her absences result in her having no leave and she has to take leave without pay at a time when I am very concerned about money given the cost of the final bits of the basement. But I don't know how to address any of these things with her without making her feel any worse than she already does about not being in the office.
I've been home for the past two days on vacation, as my mom is in town. I know that it is more difficult for K to go to the office if I am not going in. The biggest hurdle is that she has to take a cab rather than being chauffeured to the door. But I don't feel nor do I believe that K feels that I should have to go to the office every day just because she likes having a ride. Also, I like to sleep in occasionally and take advantage of having the house to myself, which still happens infrequently.
This morning, K's voice was tight with anger. I kept my mouth shut, as I knew that if I began to speak I wouldn't be nice. Right now, I want to curl up and cry, but I am also playing the balancing act with my mom. I don't want her to turn against K or worry about me, which makes me afraid to show any type of weakness. Thankfully, my mom leaves this evening. I had hoped that her flight would be mid-day, but it isn't until 7 pm.
I also question my own reaction. Is it fair for me to be so angry with K when she's angry with herself? I believe that she can't go to work, but I also want to shake her and say that she has to go. Now that she has this job, her brain is telling her that she doesn't want. I'm not that sympathetic. Lots of people do jobs that they don't want to do. K can always look for a new position if she feels that strongly about it.
I am wound very tightly and it's no surprise that I seem to have continual stomach problems.
Quick Note
I keep intending to take the time to actually write a longer entry, but thus far, I haven't been able to get to it. Probably a direct link to my mother staying with us since last Thursday. But she's back on a plane tomorrow, so I'm hoping to have a little free time sometime in the next few days.
The important news is that K did well over Christmas. She's continuing to battle exhaustion and slept the entire day today instead of going to the office. I post more on that when I get the time to write. Needless to say, I find it frustrating. I'm controlling my temper, but I hate seeing her so run down and the lines on her face.
I had a good Christmas as well. It was quiet wiith just the three of us. We pretty much stayed in almost all day on Christmas Eve and then most of the day on Christmas. Our one foray was to take the dog for a walk down by the big Christmas tree downtown.
Today we went and had afternoon tea at one of the fancier hotels. Tea, as usual, consisted of way too much food, even though we did moderate our ordering. Fortunately, we had planned for it by having a light lunch. I enjoy tea, as it is a chance to sit around and visit without any pressures. As we left the hotel, we stopped by the store Pink to look at the shirts. I need another raise before I can start to shop there. The regular price of shirts was $140, on sale cost $109. Youch! My mom scooted into Talbots to buy a couple pairs of pants on sale. She lost 40 lb about 9 months ago and has been slowly replacing her entire wardrobe.
Regardless, I've been mostly off work and don't intend to return until next Tuesday. In two weeks, K and I have to drive across country and deliver a dresser to K's sister. As it turns out, K became an auntie today (guess we both did) as her sister gave birth to a baby girl. K's been turning the idea of an auntie over in her head. Not sure how far she's gotten in her thinking about the entire thing.
I promise that I will get around to writing more. I just need to take the time to do it.
Washington Post Chat
Here's a link to a
chat on bipolar and other mental health disorders that occurred earlier today on Washington Post.com.
Nothing was terribly new, though people did tell a lot of sad storied that highlight the poor state of mental health care. The really useful part of the chat is that the doctor mentions various support groups.
Bipolar Week at the Washington Post
Actually, it may be more accurate to say Mood Disorder week at the Washington Post, but in any case. . .
Today the Post has an article on cyclothymia, a disease that I have never heard of, which is the little cousin to bipolar disorder. The same types of sypmtoms, but they are milder. Here's the link to the
article.
Might be of interest to some of you out there.
Also, I am happy not to be in NYC today with frigid temperatures (though not for
Blondzila) and no public transportation.
Article
I know that I've been quiet recently. K and I were away for the past week. She had a class and I tagged along to NYC to get free hotel and get to know the city. Lots of fun, but I froze to death.
Any case, I wanted to draw people's attention to
an article from the
Washington Post that was in the Magazine over the weekend. It details the writer's manic episode and crash.
In some ways, the confusion and the fear hit home from watching K. But in other ways, the writer's experience was very different. She continued to function throughout her crash, unlike K, who hid in bed.
The other aspect of the article was that despite excellent descriptive language that was used, can anyone really understand the spiral and confusion, if they have not lived through it or witnessed it?
The other day, K found a diary that she had kept through her illness. The words rage and fear were repeated over and over again. But I don't think K adequately described the illness for someone to understand without the first-hand knowledge.
I'll try to be better about writing.
