6.30.2004

buzzzzings

The downturn I mentioned yesterday occurred, much sooner than I thought. K describes it as a buzzing in her brain, similar to digital voice prints. She feels as if her brain is being filtered through that digitalization and static. But this is where I am challenged:
How hard do I push for her to call the doctor?
Or do I call the doctor for her?

Personally, I feel it's important for her to make the call and manage her own illness. If I was truly worried (and I have done this multiple times), I would call the doctor. Today, although I felt that she really should call today, it wasn't enough to call the doctor myself. But it is a continual disturbed of decision making to determine what to do.

Over the course of our conversation, I kept returning to the point that the buzzing is new and that it is a change, which will be important to Dr. X. By the end of the conversation, we agreed that she would finish watching her movie and I would call in two hours to remind her to call the Dr. Fair compromise. It's a long weekend and we both want to be able to fully enjoy it.

6.22.2004

Once again improvement

I read blogs that are amusing and comical in describing their circumstances such as www.dooce.com, but I fail to find that humor in myself for my own situation. Perhaps a flaw of being too literal.

The past week has shown significant improvement in both K & myself. I realized that I was feeling better when I awoke on Sunday morning and didn't feel exhausted for the first time in 10 days or so. A sign that the stress is receding again.

K is feeling better. She's been at work both days this week, marked improvement. But she's struggling with various aspects of her job and her current tasks. As we talk through the day, I hear her struggling and want to help, which can lead to frustration for us both. I keep trying to remind myself to step back and remember that she is an adult.

The disease makes a relationship difficult. I battle a desire to do everything rather than letting K fend for herself. I've gotten better. She struggles to feel like an equal partner when she's off work and ill. It's another balancing act, which like everything else about bi-polar disorder, SUCKS.

We also ask ourselves how long this good spell will last before it gets bad again.

6.18.2004

Improvements

The pain of the past week is starting to ebb for K and for myself. Last night, K began to feel better and we were able to go out to Polly's for dinner. Polly's has finally installed air conditioning, so despite the miserable heat and humidity, we were cool and comfortable inside. My favorite hamburger has smoked mozzarella and avocado on it, yum!

K is continuing to improve this morning. She has an appointment with Dr. X, the psychiatrist. I'm not sure if he will make any changes despite the pain of the past week. My guess is that the lithium may need to be raised a bit, but nothing more. Any changes are a challenge, due to the number of medications she takes and the risk of interactions between the medications and the heart disease and menopause and so forth. She takes an Excel spreadsheet of her latest medications with her for every doctor's visit.

I go with her to the psychiatric visits due to the memory loss from the electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) or shock treatment. Between ECT and the drugs of the past nine months, K's memory can be spotty. My presence helps provide a perspective on how she is doing as well and to remember what's happened to tell the doctor, and I am reassured by hearing everything first hand.

We have been fortunate that none of her doctors or hospitals have given us any problems about our relationship being a same-sex relationship. Even before they had the formal medical power of attorney given to them, I was never prevented from seeing her in the hospital. Beyond not giving us problems, there is respect for our relationship and the doctors share information with us both. I've heard a number of stories from heterosexual couples and other caretakers where the doctor won't tell them anything. I couldn't take care of K if that were the case. We would be switching doctors.

6.17.2004

Glimmers

Every so often, a glimmer of the K appears. She seems as if she is coming back. It's only been four days this time, but it is agonizing on us both with the amount of pain that these episodes cause. Last fall, when she fell into the depression/bipolar episode, and I don't even know if that is an accurate label, it went on for several months. Now, when episodes occur or are brought on by PMS, they are a day, or two, or three. But they still hurt us both. All I can do is encourage her to take Xanax to dull the pain.

Today is better, but I could hear her start to slip away as we spoke on the phone. Hearing her slipping away and knowing that I have no ability to stop, prevent, or protect her is the ultimate in helplessness. I want to protect her so badly from herself and I can do nothing other than to be there when she needs me.

The past few days her face has been so contorted that my facial muscles ache with sympathy. I rubbed her back this morning, and instead of relaxed muscle, I ran into what felt like a brick wall in her back. Relaxing scares her, because she fears that she'll fall apart if anything is relaxed.

Yesterday I had to leave work, because K was scared in the afternoon and needed me at home. There are times when I truly hate that I work 20 miles from home. Yesterday wasn't one of those days, but the distance makes caretaking more difficult at times. Fortunately, my new office (of the past three weeks) was understanding and I worked from home reviewing and synopsizing a report. The work-life balance is essentially to my survival at the moment and has been for the past 18 months.

6.16.2004

Difficult Week

PMS is not a favorite time of many women. When faced with bipolar disorder, it can become a nightmare for yourself and the people around you. K's week has been miserable thus far and my patience is being strained to the limit. It's hard to continually reassure and repeat the same phrases over and over again to help calm her.

The problem is twofold.

1) When K doesn't feel well her memory fails. This is due to the drugs and treatments that she has undergone in the past 18 months. I act as an external hard drive to remember information and to reassure her.

2) As soon as K starts to feel bad, she forgets that she ever felt well and essentially becomes trapped in her own version of mental pain and hell. She rapidly loses faith that she will ever emerge, though usually she does after a few days.

During these episodes, my goal is to keep her calm and keep her from being too mentally abusive on herself. I spend time on the phone talking her through spikes in her rage to keep her grounded, which means I don't focus as much at work. It also may mean deciding where the fine line is between pushing and not pushing her to get up, go to the doctor, and function. When she's well, she doesn't struggle with daily tasks, but the couple days that she isn't well, everything becomes impossible.

All of this effort exhausts me. Instead of making it to the gym this morning, I slept an additional hour and still woke exhausted. I know it stems from the strain the past few days. The gym is normally one way for me to ultimately reduce stress and be better able to deal with the situation at home, but sometimes even that is beyond me. I keep expecting things to improve and they have, but I want more now.

6.15.2004

Introduction

I've read a few blogs and then my partner suggested that my experiences as a caretaker may be useful to others. It seemed worth the attempt to write down some of what we have gone through and continue to go through on the road to recovery.

What concerns me is how much to release into a public setting. Non-supportive comments or commentary on how we handle her care will not be welcome. Although, I am publicizing information, much of it is extremely personal and painful to relate. I hope it may be of use to others facing a similar situation of caring for someone with a mental illness.

Brief History: January 1, 2003, my partner had a heart attack. It was one of those unexpected type of events, where there is no prior inkling that there may be something wrong. She had even been to the doctore earlier that day and diagnosed with allergies. The heart attack set off a chain of events and illnesses that continued throughout 2003, culminating in a diagnoses of bipolar disorder and two hospitalizations. In 2004, she had progressively become healthier and stronger, but still not 100%

I never expected to face the prospect of widowhood at the tender age of 29, as I was when she had her heart attack. As it turned out, I was not, but I had also never dealt with any illness more serious than the common cold, and I wasn't good atnursing anyone through even minor illnesses. Suddenly, I was faced with a partner, who needed quite a bit of care and attention to survive. And I have had to learn about compassion in addition to the medical issues. This learning process/struggle will be the focus of the blog.

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