Every so often, a glimmer of the K appears. She seems as if she is coming back. It's only been four days this time, but it is agonizing on us both with the amount of pain that these episodes cause. Last fall, when she fell into the depression/bipolar episode, and I don't even know if that is an accurate label, it went on for several months. Now, when episodes occur or are brought on by PMS, they are a day, or two, or three. But they still hurt us both. All I can do is encourage her to take Xanax to dull the pain.

Today is better, but I could hear her start to slip away as we spoke on the phone. Hearing her slipping away and knowing that I have no ability to stop, prevent, or protect her is the ultimate in helplessness. I want to protect her so badly from herself and I can do nothing other than to be there when she needs me.

The past few days her face has been so contorted that my facial muscles ache with sympathy. I rubbed her back this morning, and instead of relaxed muscle, I ran into what felt like a brick wall in her back. Relaxing scares her, because she fears that she'll fall apart if anything is relaxed.

Yesterday I had to leave work, because K was scared in the afternoon and needed me at home. There are times when I truly hate that I work 20 miles from home. Yesterday wasn't one of those days, but the distance makes caretaking more difficult at times. Fortunately, my new office (of the past three weeks) was understanding and I worked from home reviewing and synopsizing a report. The work-life balance is essentially to my survival at the moment and has been for the past 18 months.


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