synergy

Not By Meds Alone

One aspect that I have struggled with throughout K's illness and now her recovery is my own role. I realize that she probably would not be as healthy today or even be here today if I hadn't been there to coax her along and provide a solid link to the "real" world. The meds enabled her to follow and regain control, but our relationship was instrumental to her regaining her health. However, that also creates a schism in my own thinking.

I don't want to necessarily be the reason that K is alive and be the reason she wants to continue to live. The pressure of that responsibility is more than I want to bear. Also, I feel as if my personal freedom is inhibited by her reliance on our relationship to bring stability to her life. What if our relationship goes bad? What if at some point I want to break up with her? Where do I balance my responsibilities for my own well-being against my responsibilities to K's health?

Fortunately, I have not been in a position where I have to answer any of those questions, because I don't know what my answers would be. Her illness brought me closer to those questions, but strangely enough at that time I was so wrapped up in her that I didn't have to face those questions. My fear is that someday I may have to answer them and I don't know how I will do so.

My thought right now is that I will remain with K unless I feel that I am putting myself at a personal or psychological risk to do so. She knows this. I hope that I never have to put this theory to the test. Right now, we are disgustingly in love. A close friend of mine flew in from Seattle for my birthday weekend and she had tears in her eyes as she was talking about the happiness that K and I bring to one another.

But, when the relationship becomes overshadowed by the events of mental illness, these questions are ones that every caretaker has to ask and some must answer.

What brought on this line of thinking is an article in this week's Newsweek from Jay Neugeboren addressing the impact of relationships in his brother's mental health.

K believes that her relationship with me and her therapist are what enabled her to reach her current level of health and mental stability. I agree with her. There are lots of old proverbs out there that if you save someone's life you continue to be responsible for them or perhaps there are no such proverbs and Hollywood makes them up. Regardless, I'm not quite sure how far that responsibility goes.

Some good news is that K has consistently gone to the office on every day she is supposed to since the beginning of the year. 2006 is going great for us. Whatever mild depression K had been in seems to have lifted and she's back to normal. Also, she even has about a week of annual leave stored up allowing her to take time off, if she so chooses. This is a completely different place than where we were at the end of December.

To highlight how well K's feeling, she's even planning a trip to Chicago to visit her niece without me. It will be her first trip to visit her family alone, since we left the city 6.5 years ago. It's a testament to how much work she's put into her relationship with her family and the impact a new baby can have.

posted by synergy @ 2:52 PM