So far away. . .

I left on Monday morning to head to the land of snow and ice to help my mom out for a few days. I was supposed to leave on Sunday morning, but my flight was canceled due to the snow and ice that had made it's way to my region of the country. But other than having to get up at the god awful hour of 4 am to make my flight, everything went smoothly.

My mom's surgery went very well and she was released from the hospital about 24 hours later. Now she's quietly sleeping at home to continue to speed along the recovery. I'm relieved as I am heading home on Sunday pm.

What has me worried right now or a bit worried is K. After weeks of getting up a going to work every day, she hasn't made it one day this week. She also missed last Friday due to a physical ailment. She says that she's unable to get over the hump to go into the office. It seems as if it is partially due to my absence, but at this point I believe it is something more. What more, I have no clue.

I'm trying not to worry about it. She repeatedly tells me not to worry about it. She had 30 hours of leave going into the week, so I guess she'll be down to zero or close to it by the time she makes her way back to the office.

I don't feel any guilt about not being there. K must be able to do these things by herself even if I am not there to give her the extra shove in the morning. Even the extra shove is no guarantee that she'll make it in. Instead, I'm irritated that it took her until Wednesday to contact her therapist and update her on the situation. At times like these, even when I am right next to K there is a distance separating us. It is a psychological distance as she withdraws into herself. I can't reach her.

Yesterday, I woke up and thought about giving K a call at the office to say hi and chat for a few moments before I got up. But I held back, because I didn't want to be disappointed if she hadn't made it in. This morning, I thought about doing the same thing, but once again I held back to prevent disappointment. I hate having to stop myself and think through "Should I do this or am I setting myself up to be angry and upset about K?"

One of the things that I have been working on over the past few months is my reaction to K's behavior. For a while, I was getting extremely angry with her over her absences from the office. It wasn't good for either of us. Instead I got extremely upset and riled and K was even more upset with herself and felt that she couldn't turn to me for support. Recently, I have been doing much better with it. However, today I can feel the same feelings of frustration and anger welling in me. I'm trying to let it go. And I am succeeding. I have to trust that she knows her limitations better than anyone else.

The other part of the scenario that bothers me is when is this going to end? K has her job. Recently, she's been engaged and making progress on the project and on coalition building throughout her organization. Yet, these bouts of malaise or illness still strike. When does this piece of the bipolar or the depression go away? It seems as if it has been with us forever. I know that it is less frequent and that K has managed to build up some leave, but it feels as if it is all swept away when she misses more than one or two days of work with this crap.

I'll work on letting go of my emotions.


At 1:06 AM, Blogger Raine said...

I hear your frustration- must be really hard. I am bi-polar myself and I cant imagine having to deal with it. There is something I feel I need to point out tho. There in no cure for bi-polar. It can be managed somewhat if you are lucky but it never goes away. Please dont set yourself up for disappointment thinking that it will.


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