9.28.2005

Forks in the Road

I've been spending time thinking about what if's. What if K would not have survived her heart attack? What if our relationship would not have survived her battle with bipolar disorder? These thoughts have been fueled recently by my own introspection, but also by outside information.

My own introspection has been making me mull over the past couple of years. No real reason to do so, but I feel as I am in a bit of a funk. I haven't been interested in writing and I haven't had much energy for working out. On the plus side, I am remaining active by walking, taking the dog to the park and yoga. What's bothering me is that my brain feels foggy. I'm doing things, but my energy feels slightly low. I am sleeping better than I was for a few weeks.

The outside part of my what if dilemma is connected to recent readings. Tracy in Time for Your Meds and her partner broke up as a result of the changes that Tracy had undergone from her illness. That thought opens the flood gates to think about the dark days when I couldn't see K. She wasn't in her body and I was unable to find her by looking in her eyes. I was lucky, she fought hard and returned to me. But how could I have handled it if she wasn't able to return? I'm not sure. Facing the idea of leaving for my own protection is one that I don't want to consider. Fortunately, I didn't have to, but the possibility certainly existed during the worst months.

The next disturbing reading was in the New York Times Magazine on Sunday. It was an article about grief from a woman whose husband died unexpectedly of a heart attack just before New Year's Even. The parallel circumstances struck me. K's heart attack occurred unexpectedly on New Year's Day. Reading the language of the writer's grief and pain made me realize what would have happened to me, if K had not survived. My life without K comes close to being unimaginable for me. I can't see performing day to day activities without a great encumbrance of pain and grief. It was exceedingly difficult to even read someone else's rendering.

The final piece I haven't even read. K and I were discussing it on the way to the office. This week's Newsweek cover story addresses the Type D personality. It describes the impact of traumatic events in childhood, anger, and chronic depression on your heart health. K said that the articles hit home for her and made her realize that she should have died on January 1, 2003. But she didn't, she fought. The other point in Newsweek is that a loving relationship can made a difference in your recovery.

I'm working through these things slowly in my brain. As part of my defense mechanism, I had blocked off these other paths from even being considered. I couldn't face thinking about what would happen if. Now, I seem to be in a place where I have enough distance to think about these fears and work through the implications. I want to view it as another sign of health.

9.22.2005

Not Writing (Though apparently making up for it tonight)

It's fairly obvious that I haven't been writing lately. No particular explanation other than I have not had the urge to do so. Somehow, I have felt unsettled recently, though not necessarily by any particular event. In fact, things are good and fairly low key.

First and foremost, K is doing well. No unexpected bumps or blips or any other pimple type description to apply to her mood swings. Rather she has been stable and happy for the past week or so. Furthermore, she's getting up every day and going to the office, even after difficult nights.

I'm a bit off balance. Even at work, I'm getting what I need to do done, but it feels as if I am in a slump. We're still reorging, as we have been since the beginning of the year. There's been a power struggle regarding where I'll be placed in the organization. There's a power struggle over who will have the functions and the resources, unfortunately, my senior manager has not been doing so well. She has a tendency to take the high road, while her two male counterparts play dirty. We'll see how it all plays out. Things change every day with the reorg.

Strangely enough, someone I met a few months ago, and I was impressed by him was arrested for unethical conduct. I was thinking about how I could use him to get to a job I want. Disturbing that my perception of him could be so wrong. I know that he's innocent until proven guilty, but when the FBI show up at your door step, well. . . there's something in the complaint at that point. A number of my colleagues were also impressed by him, so I certainly wasn't alone, but still . . . . It is somewhat disconcerting.

I've been thinking a lot as my trip to Germany approaches. I realized today that my frustrations regarding my own language ability are probably what drove me away from continuing to live in Germany and even continuing to use my German. I am basically tone deaf when it comes to language. I read, write, and speak German, but I have to learn through rote memorization. I don't have this innate language ability that many of my friends possess. I suppose my attitude should be one of pride and accomplishment that I've managed to come as far as I have with German, but I realize that my frustration and self-doubt drove me away. I fear that if I don't return now that it will be become too big a hurdle for me to cross.

Also, the trip will dredge up memories of a younger L, who never believed that she would settle down and find a life-time companion. It didn't bother me. I thought that I would continue to travel and find some exciting career. Instead, well, I'm settled. My career is going very well, but exciting. That might be a stretch. Though, if things work out, I would like to go and work on hurricane work for a few weeks. We'll see how the timing falls out.

All in all a number of things are floating in the L brain. Not sure where it will all lead or if it is even just a product of PMS. I'll settle down.

By the way, anyone else pissed that the New York Times has started to charge in order to read the opinion columnists?

9.07.2005

Busy

I haven't had time to blog recently, not due to craziness at work, rather the personal life has been busy. I've also been drained and not up for doing much the past few days.

Last weekend, we went up to see S. She's doing well, but it felt as if we spent two days yelling at her. She was released from the pysch ward with no diagnoses and her only med is Risperdal. When we saw her, she was starting the same behaviors that resulted in her hospitalization. The behavior is over-scheduling, not slowing down and taking time for herself, and appearing to be manic. Fortunately, S is one of those rare individuals, who can tell how much we care about her. She was able to see through her anger and hurt to see that our concern for her was the only reason that we were saying these things. Everything ended well, and she's settling down and working very hard to accept and live within the constraints of whatever she has.

On a more personal note, I've been having trouble blogging and writing recently. I wrote an e-mail to a friend at the end of last week that sounded incoherent. I reread it several times prior to sending it to ensure that I didn't inadvertently offend her. But my tone seemed and felt off. I have no explanation.

Part of my spaciness (very unusual for me) relates back to lack of sleep. Last week I struggled with sleeping. I took ambien two nights, but ended up feeling so groggy in the morning that I stopped taking it. K had a bit of a rough patch last week and she's also been having sleeping. I feed off her anxieties and it creates a nasty circle.

I made it to yoga last week and I'm also continuing to exercise. My other goal is to take the dog to the park when I return home from work at night. It gives me a chance to go for a brief walk and the dog something new to sniff.

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