synergy

Forks in the Road

I've been spending time thinking about what if's. What if K would not have survived her heart attack? What if our relationship would not have survived her battle with bipolar disorder? These thoughts have been fueled recently by my own introspection, but also by outside information.

My own introspection has been making me mull over the past couple of years. No real reason to do so, but I feel as I am in a bit of a funk. I haven't been interested in writing and I haven't had much energy for working out. On the plus side, I am remaining active by walking, taking the dog to the park and yoga. What's bothering me is that my brain feels foggy. I'm doing things, but my energy feels slightly low. I am sleeping better than I was for a few weeks.

The outside part of my what if dilemma is connected to recent readings. Tracy in Time for Your Meds and her partner broke up as a result of the changes that Tracy had undergone from her illness. That thought opens the flood gates to think about the dark days when I couldn't see K. She wasn't in her body and I was unable to find her by looking in her eyes. I was lucky, she fought hard and returned to me. But how could I have handled it if she wasn't able to return? I'm not sure. Facing the idea of leaving for my own protection is one that I don't want to consider. Fortunately, I didn't have to, but the possibility certainly existed during the worst months.

The next disturbing reading was in the New York Times Magazine on Sunday. It was an article about grief from a woman whose husband died unexpectedly of a heart attack just before New Year's Even. The parallel circumstances struck me. K's heart attack occurred unexpectedly on New Year's Day. Reading the language of the writer's grief and pain made me realize what would have happened to me, if K had not survived. My life without K comes close to being unimaginable for me. I can't see performing day to day activities without a great encumbrance of pain and grief. It was exceedingly difficult to even read someone else's rendering.

The final piece I haven't even read. K and I were discussing it on the way to the office. This week's Newsweek cover story addresses the Type D personality. It describes the impact of traumatic events in childhood, anger, and chronic depression on your heart health. K said that the articles hit home for her and made her realize that she should have died on January 1, 2003. But she didn't, she fought. The other point in Newsweek is that a loving relationship can made a difference in your recovery.

I'm working through these things slowly in my brain. As part of my defense mechanism, I had blocked off these other paths from even being considered. I couldn't face thinking about what would happen if. Now, I seem to be in a place where I have enough distance to think about these fears and work through the implications. I want to view it as another sign of health.

posted by synergy @ 3:06 PM