As the light fades . . .
The longer K has bipolar, the easier it becomes to see the cyclical nature of it. Now, as we head into fall and the shorter days, she's already struggling more in the mornings in order to able to get out bed and make it to work. A couple of weeks ago, she began using the sun lamp in the morning. A few days ago, she upped the lithium by 25% in hopes of feeling better.
The lithium increase is not only linked to the shorter days. About six months ago, we began to go to a personal trainer and K upped her level of physical activity. The result is that her body seems to metabolize the lithium more quickly, so she needs a slightly higher dose. At least, we're hoping that some of the dips in her mood will be stabilized by the increase.
Recently, I haven't been the easiest to live with. My job stress and insecurities seem to be reaching all time highs. The insecurities appear to be unfounded. No one tells me that I am doing a bad job, but I still feel that I am constantly ready to drop something. Good news is that I leave the office every night between 5:30 and 6 pm and I begin each day at 7:30 am. It isn't the hours, but I don't have a free moment throughout the day. I no longer am able to even hold a five minute personal conversation, because I get pulled away to deal with something. The stress is very high, not only for me, but my co-worker as well. Both of us are beginning the discussion about finding another job. For political reasons, I probably have to stay where I am for another four months, but that may change. Meanwhile, I drive K nuts by agonizing over the situation.
We are also looking into doing work on the house. The structural engineer came this week and told us that our house is solid enough to support a green roof. A green roof requires that soil and plants are on our roof to capture rainwater and better insulate the house. A much costlier approach towards our roof than a traditional roof, but K is very much in favor of it. We also need many other expensive repairs. K tried to warn me the dangers of buying a house about 130-150 years old. What we didn't realize is how little maintenance had occurred. Also, things like plaster have a 100 year life span and now it is literally at the breaking point.
My mom is in town next week. We've been slowly cleaning the house to prepare for her arrival. But we have more to do today. I also want to hit the farmer's market this morning to purchase our fruits and veggies for the week. We have been going to the farmer's market the past few weeks and I really enjoy. The only catch is that we have to make the time to do it.
The other thing going on is that my term as vice president of the neighborhood is coming to an end. There have been offers to sponsor my run for president. I'm tempted. The current president is excellent in some areas, but he's not good about running the meetings and keeping people engaged. Likewise, he doesn't share information. I barely know what's happening at times. I could do a much better job of being inclusive. But I don't want to commit to at least a couple meetings a week, especially with my current job situation. I was almost sucked in the other day.
K and I are doing more again and going out during the week. Political fundraiser tomorrow night, which should be interesting. I haven't met Eleanor Holmes Norton yet. Things like that are keeping us busy.
Things are good, though I need to bring my stress under control.
Role Reversal
Last night and yesterday afternoon, I ended up getting so wired about work. My coworker was getting her ass kicked and I had the day off. I got the feeling that she wasn't getting to everything and I did offer to come in over the weekend to help out, but she declined my offer. Even though, I ought to have let the whole thing go at that point, I couldn't. Instead, my anxiety about the situation continued to increase throughout the day. As a result, by bedtime I was wired.
K insisted that I take .5 mg xanax before going to sleep. Okay--three vodka tonics don't affect me, but give me .5 mg xanax and 9 hours later, I was still only barely able to crack my eyelids open. I guess it worked, since I slept well all night. I also decided to spend an hour at home, okay it's been two hours, working on things remotely. This puts me into a better position for Monday morning. And I took care of one task that I believe was overlooked yesterday. It was putting together a bunch of good news stories prior to my boss speaking on Monday morning and again at lunch.
This morning we went to the personal trainer. I was somewhat concerned about slipping and cracking my head open after the xanax, but it turned out to be a good workout. Now, we have a wine tasting party this evening, and I am sure that we have some chores to do prior to that.
Visit to the Doctor
K had her quarterly visit to the pyschiatrist this morning. We were both exhausted, despite the visit not being until 10 AM. It was a good visit. The one concern is that K is not doing as well as she could be. She's somewhat down due to the changing seasons, which usually hit her pretty hard. A couple of years ago, we purchased a sun lamp, and she uses it on a daily basis pretty much from September until April. Instead of immediately increasing her medication, the psychiatrist is hoping that the sun lamp will improve her enough, so a dosage increase won't be necessary.
The fact that K is off is a subtle thing. It expresses itself in small irritations and exhaustion. Nothing serious, but also, they are warning indicators that shouldn't be ignored. By addressing it now, hopefully any further backslide can be forestalled.
So, K does not have a three month hiatus from the psychiatrist. She's going to return in a month for review of where she is. She's fine with it, but I know that she would certainly prefer if the visits remained on the quarterly schedule.
On a more personal note, we're looking at how to cover some much needed home repairs. Everything is expensive and I keep feeling as if we are trying to drain blood from a turnip as we try to figure out how to pay for it all. The roof needs to be done this year. K would like to have us install a green roof with little seedums up there to help the environment. I'm not against it, but there's definitely a cost premium. It is also difficult as both our neighbors have overlapped their roofs onto our roof. In each case, their roofs will have to be disturbed in order for us to have our's redone. Pain in the ass. Fortunately, we get along well with both sets of neighbors. There have been times when the relations have not been so amicable.
The basement drama is slowly, too slowly, drawing to a close. The last piece is the waterproofing. We're hoping that we can move forward with that the next 4-6 weeks. Once we complete that, we'll be able to move everything back down there and begin to truly organize the space without problems from the leaks. I can't wait.
We're slowly reaching an equilibrium. My job continues to be a source of anxiety for me. I believe that I will remain in my current position for the next few months. Then I'll have to see. But this was a difficult week for very stupid reasons. However, what ends up happening is that the pressure gets slowly cranked up throughout the day. I had today off and my coworker faced the pressure cooker for her entire day. I feel somewhat guilty, but she also left me a week before we had a huge conference a few weeks ago, so my guilt is somewhat mitigated. I just hate the anxious feeling that seeps through my entire body. Working out helps relieve much of it, but I didn't make it to the gym this morning.
Life interfering with Blogging
Lately, things have sort of spun out of control, not with K, but with my own life and job. The long absence has not meant anything other than that I haven't had the time to sit down at the computer and type. Nor have I had the luxury to even think things through enough to effectively blog about them. Though, the blogging processes does help me sort out my thoughts.
Any case, K and I have both been busy. The last week of August, we each had to travel for work. It occurs rarely that we travel for work and it's especially unusual that we had to be out of town the same week. It was unfortunate in that the dog had to head over to doggie daycare. It's cage free, but still at $50/day I am not thrilled about sending her. I had been organizing a conference, which had me going for 12 hours a day at the office. Now that it's over, I'm trying to cut back to about 10.5 hour days at the most. The new job continues to take a toll and I am sure that it will be this way as long as I am in it.
More important that work, today is K's birthday. She's 44 years old. I declared this K weekend on yesterday afternoon. We took her motorcycle in to the shop yesterday. We had been led to believe that it would cost about $500 to get it up and running. When they ran all the numbers, we're looking at a $2200 bill, for a bike that is worth significantly less. K turned to me and asked if she should junk it. My answer was an emphatic "NO".
The motorcycle represents a side of K that has been deadened even prior to the heart attack and the bipolar disorder. Her interest in getting the bike up and running shows her psychological and physical health are good. Psychologically, because she has the confidence to ride the bike in an area with awful traffic and confusing roadways. The physical health because of the balance and strength required to safely ride a motorcycle. To encourage that improvement, I am willing to pay any price. The bike also fits her and she knows it intimately. She bought it new in 1984. It is far safer for her to start riding again on this bike than purchasing a new one that would not be as familiar. I realize that she still may decide in favor of a new bike and we'll sell this one in a year or so, or she may decide to keep it. I wasn't thrilled with the price tag, but that is as good a place as any for the money to go.
When we were at dinner last night, K said that she felt that we had crossed a milestone by getting the bike to the shop. It was a lifting of a burden. The bike had been rotting in our parking spot for the past four years. K saw it as a milestone on the way to full health. Also, it made the benefits of working out clear. Yes, we are continuing to work out with the personal trainer. (Note: I've lost 10 pounds over the past six months. I'm now in normal BMI. I would like to lose another 10 and I am continuing to work on it.) K could tell a difference with her balance and strength when she helped the tow truck guy load the bike on the flatbed to go to the shop. It's the working out that will make it possible for her to even ride it, when it returns in four weeks.
The other sign of health is that we are beginning to work on the house. Last weekend, we ripped down the plaster in half of our entryway. The other half is mostly drywall and will be less of a mess. But we are interviewing contractors to put on a new roof. We are deciding how to pay for all the construction. The insurance settlements for the basement are starting to come in. One claim is settled and the other is almost there. We should finish it up this week. After we receive the checks, we will be able to go ahead and have the basement waterproofed, which is the final piece of the project. We feel able and ready to take on new challenges.
I'm very happy with the current state of affairs.
