synergy

Days that are not so good

Despite everything I write about K being healthy, and much of the time she is, there are days that are not as good. I hesitate to say bad, because bad is a relative term. The days that aren't as good are still significantly better than bad days one or two years ago.

Regardless of label, K's been going through her standard two days a month, when she doesn't mentally feel well. I'm including an e-mail that she wrote to her therapist yesterday afternoon. Her therapist responded saying that this is the time of the month when K struggles.

The mornings have been a struggle. I have made it to the office both yesterday and today but the fight has been tough. It was even tougher this morning because I woke up in the middle of the night ripped from a nightmare about suicide. Once I woke up I felt like committing suicide. I could see myself going through the steps and really thought it was real and that I would do it. I was an observer of sorts. Needless to say this scared the hell out of me. I really was afraid of what I might do in that "not quite awake" state. Upon fully waking I took half a xanax so that I could calm down and sleep. Last night was rare in that I was exhausted and didn't take a sleeping pill. I fell asleep very fast. Anyway the memories of it were strong this morning. I used my sunlamp and fought the good fight and made it in. I felt very snappish this morning fighting the bad stuff and that is something that I have to use a lot of energy controlling when I am weakened. This afternoon I am very tired (time to go home) and I am having to deal with frustration by clamping down on my emotions. Work has been fine all day and I don't see that as a stressor this week.

I guess my anger/frustration/irritability is the problem when I am tired. It really bothers me and I keep most of it inside---some of it seeps out though and splashes on L.

Well, how's that for an update?

K didn't make it to the office this morning, but she believes she'll be there tomorrow. The cause for celebration is that this is the first day she's missed in a month.

I'm okay with it. Sometimes I react badly when she struggles, but I'm working on my emotions. I see this as a bad day and that she'll be okay by the time I make it home tonight.

posted by synergy @ 9:29 AM