synergy

Balancing

This blog would be more interesting if I wrote when my emotions were at their peak rather than waiting until I analyze and recover from any emotional upheaval. But. . . I'm unable to do that.

Part of it is a loyalty to K. I don't want to share how her rage can take over her mind and render her into someone I don't recognize. When her self-doubts paralyze her, and she no longer is the woman I know as compentent and capable. When paranoid thoughts dominate her thinking, so she can't trust me.

See the metamorphosis from my tender, compassionate, loving, intelligent, compentent partner to someone who is fearful, angry, self-hating, and who relies on me for comfort, reassurance, care, and emotional stability is the hardest part. The disease takes her away from me and I want to share the woman I know, not the ill one. I have grown to hate bipolar and mental illness. It takes the woman I love away from me, and only gives me back parts of her. Then it takes her away again with PMS or a bad day.

Reconciling those two images of K challenges me on a daily basis. She continues to improve, but the relapses remain painful and frightening. When she relapses, she accuses me of blogging her as a horrible individual, who others will hate. She can't accept that her illness becomes unmanageable at times. The shame of her actions overwhelms her and distorts her thoughts.

I try to portray our actions and my thoughts accurately. By my strong analytical side prevents me from running wild on the emotions, even when they are overwhelming me.

posted by synergy @ 1:58 PM