10.12.2004

Balancing

This blog would be more interesting if I wrote when my emotions were at their peak rather than waiting until I analyze and recover from any emotional upheaval. But. . . I'm unable to do that.

Part of it is a loyalty to K. I don't want to share how her rage can take over her mind and render her into someone I don't recognize. When her self-doubts paralyze her, and she no longer is the woman I know as compentent and capable. When paranoid thoughts dominate her thinking, so she can't trust me.

See the metamorphosis from my tender, compassionate, loving, intelligent, compentent partner to someone who is fearful, angry, self-hating, and who relies on me for comfort, reassurance, care, and emotional stability is the hardest part. The disease takes her away from me and I want to share the woman I know, not the ill one. I have grown to hate bipolar and mental illness. It takes the woman I love away from me, and only gives me back parts of her. Then it takes her away again with PMS or a bad day.

Reconciling those two images of K challenges me on a daily basis. She continues to improve, but the relapses remain painful and frightening. When she relapses, she accuses me of blogging her as a horrible individual, who others will hate. She can't accept that her illness becomes unmanageable at times. The shame of her actions overwhelms her and distorts her thoughts.

I try to portray our actions and my thoughts accurately. By my strong analytical side prevents me from running wild on the emotions, even when they are overwhelming me.

1 Comments:

At 9:20 AM, Blogger moodymicello said...

I have been that paranoid hateful woman -- so sure that everyone is talking about and against me; angry at being bipolar; angry at everyone around me; my thoughts in complete confusion and causing complete chaos to those around me including hurt, confusion, anger, you name it. You are a brave soul and must love K very much to see her through these episodes...and your support means more to her than you can ever know. She will seem all kinds of irrational to you at times because bipolar rage is indescribable as to what it feels like in the mind. I am sure it must be equally frustrating to the family support member. Just know that your support is appreciated everytime you are hearing negative messages. This is my way of saying I'm sorry for the times that I have done the same things to my family, L. Hang in there.

 

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