Becoming. . . .

Occasionally, I wonder what will become of me/us when things settle. Life has been so chaotic there hasn't been time to think or do much else than react as events occur. Not the way either of us choose to live. I don't seem to be able to make much progress in my thoughts, and lately I've noticed a restlessness in myself.

Events that K and I have gone through over the past 18 months would have destroyed a number of couples. We've survived. But. . . what comes next?

I've tried to track back what I did before the 24/7 crisis pattern was established, grad school, moving to DC, etc. No pattern emerged. Now finding new interests, activities seems daunting. Continually I remind myself that I/we are still healing, but I'm tired of that as well. It's been 18 fucking months, can't it just be better without the healing?!!!

The good news is that the weekend was good and K's in the office this morning. Dr. M, the therapist, felt that K made a few breakthroughs last week and that things should start becoming easier. Anything to break the perpetual cycle of improvement and decline that have marked the past months.

Still, I try to recall 12 months ago. Last summer was good, but the world became a living hell for each of us starting last fall. Now the progress appears to be more solid and grounded. I'm hoping that it isn't fool's gold.

My memory for much of last fall and early winter is gone. A self-protection mechanism resulting from the stress. I remember enough to know it was hell.

My thoughts are disjointed in this entry, sorry.


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