synergy

The Return of Doom & Gloom

K's been struggling again. We had hoped with the diagnoses of remission that these bad days would go away, but they haven't. After being off work for two weeks, she was unable to return to the office yesterday or today. She says the bad thoughts are invading her head and making it difficult for her to think clearly.

The challenge is that she and I believe that her current mental state is due to PMS. As I've said before, she's susceptible to my cycles, despite having reached menopause. The good part is that her depressed state of mind will only last a few days, and she has the Paxil to help combat it. She began taking the additional drug on Sunday, but it doesn't seem to have fully kicked in.

I struggle when she has these moods, as well. I hate seeing her sitting in the dining room looking as if everything is caving in around her. I hate that I can't help her regain her self-esteem that she's losing by not making it to the office.

Instead of being a support, I have a desire to flee the house, because I don't want to know about the bouts of rage and self-hatred, which occur around now. It's not a good feeling that I want to, not abandon her, but keep my distance. I fight it and try to remain supportive and get through these struggles with her.

The bruises in my psyche from the past two years feel bone deep. The kind that don't really hurt any longer, but they remain painful when touched, and appear to take forever to heal.

Yesterday, I lost my temper with K. Two doors down, the developer, after 3 years of not doing a damn thing, including cleaning the lot, has decided to begin building without notifying anyone. K hates the developer, who is slimy. Before the bipolar diagnosis, she would get worked up and obsess about "wrongs" and that slimy individuals (said developer) will make money from their sliminess. I'm fearful that she will obsess over every irritating thing done by this developer for the next year, while the building is being built.

I can't face the thought of her getting worked up every night when we come home from work. It isn't something I'm interested in dealing with and to be blunt, I don't truly care what the guy does as long as our house doesn't collapse and we can reach our parking spot. (The developer has talked about closing the alley during part of the construction.)

When K got upset about the work yesterday (yes, the house did shake dramatically when the backhoe began to dig and we are not finished the work on our foundation), I freaked out. She didn't obsess, she didn't go off the handle, but I could envision all of those things happening. I lost my temper. I apologized and we worked through it, but it didn't help her feel better and be able to go to work today.

Today, I'm fighting to keep my own irritation with her mood in check. I probably have mild PMS and am tired. She feels that I'm angry with her and I'm not. But we don't seem to be communicating well, for whatever reason. Urgh. I keep hoping things will improve for us both and remind myself it's only been two days of bad tempers.

posted by synergy @ 9:13 AM