It was a good day. We were roasting the turkey, baking pies, and preparing the potatoes for mashing. As I was peeling away, the peeler slipped in my hand and sliced the top of my middle finger. I have to say that I was extremely impressed by the blood splatter pattern that I managed to create in the kitchen. Needless to say, it hurt like hell and I was out of the kitchen for the rest of the food preparation.

Well, K can cook, but she isn't so enthusiastic about doing big meals and she and my mother had to step into to take over. Everything came out very well, but the trouble began with the clean-up.

I don't know if it was that K was pissed that she had to wash dishes or what exactly happened. All of a sudden, her mood switched from fine to black. She explained it as if a light switch had gone off in her head and turned everything black. She basically went immediately into a rage state and retreated to our room. I just assumed that she was angry about having to wash up, but I think that was only incidental.

I worry about my mom seeing this side of K, because I don't want her to worry about me in this relationship. It does concern her. She fears that I am putting myself in a bad situation and having to bear K's illness and moods. It's a natural reaction on her part, but I don't want her having to worry about it. I don't know how to reassure her that things are okay.

K was in an absolutely foul temper. She took a miligram of xanax, which is unusual. Normally, .5 mg. is plenty. K also didn't want me to leave her alone. As I went to leave the room, she lashed out at me to get me to stay and talk to her. After it happened twice, I finally asked if she wanted me to stay. Even though, it was evident, she was unable to express that desire.

I find it demoralizing. She's in remission, yet PMS is still able to take her unawares and affect both of our moods. It didn't ruin the holiday for me, but it certainly cast a pallor over it. Is this how it will always be? I also don't like her relatively new habit of lashing out at me. She never used to behave that way. The way her behavior came across was that she was being an asshole due to my injury.

On top of the xanax, K took 10 mg. ambien to help her sleep. I was exhausted and promptly went to sleep. When I got up the next morning, I found clear evidence that K had been wandering around the house after I went to sleep. The frightening thing is that she had no recollection of having done anything. I assume it was the xanax/ambien combination, but still. . . . She stuffed a rag in a switch box to block the cold air from entering the house and then the next morning commented on how dangerous it is to do that. Yet, she didn't know that she was the culprit.

Things are better. Friday, K felt better though not yet back to normal. All the permutations of what might have happened run through both our heads. Is it that she hadn't put on the hormone patch for the past week? Is it that my mom is staying with us, which is always hard on K? Is it that she forgot her meds (for the first time ever) about 5 days ago? Is it PMS, as my period will start in the next week or so?

The result is this endless list to discover the variable causing the problem and fix it, yet I realize that there is no way to handle all of the variables and they aren't predictable. It's sad and frustrating.


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