synergy

Going Backward

I had thought or perhaps had hoped that I was getting better at riding out K's moods. This morning was a step backward for us both. Nasty fight with me pressuring her to go to the office. I won in the sense that she's at the office, but she's in a rage state.

The news from last Thursday that she won't have a permanent position rather a developmental assignment has returned her to the state she was in after finding out about her reassignment to the developmental division. I had hoped that we were past that anger, self-disgust, self-hatred, and all other negative emotions. K had begun to think about the reassignment as an opportunity rather than a punishment. But today she reverted to her negative thought patterns.

I didn't react well. Last week, she kept telling me that she wanted to go to work, but the cold was keeping her from going. She was really ill, so there was no doubt that she needed to be at home. Friday, she was ready to go in, but then she had the scare with her heart and we spent the day in the ER. Today, she woke already enraged and we had an extended battle, complete with screaming, shouting, and tears before I convinced her to get dressed and go to work. Now, she's in a rage state at the office, and I'm questioning if I would have been better off leaving her alone.

How to balance. . . if she had been as physically ill this morning as she was mentally, I never would have asked her to push herself. What confuses me is that K's self-hatred is almost worse if she doesn't go, since she views staying home as a failure. The right answer may be that I stay out of her decision to attend or not attend work. I've tried, but I find removing myself from the decision doesn't help.

I become angry that I go to work every day and she doesn't. I become tired of the constant self-abuse that she inflicts on herself in these states. My instinct is to step in and help, but there's nothing I can do and I can't accept that answer. Right now, I feel sad for her and somewhat sad for our relationship.

I'm ready for us to be past this anger and drama. I want to be part of a normal relationship. Actually, I want the two of us to return to an equilibrium and not be constantly faced with shifting circumstances. Basically, I'm tired of this.

posted by synergy @ 11:24 AM