synergy

Recharging

Things are continuing to go well. Although, I write about exhaustion, much of it has lifted. I no longer feel the energy-seeping exhaustion in my bones the way I did six months ago. Rather, I am able to do things, and afterwards I become tired. The key is that I am able to go do things.

This may seem like a very low standard. But it isn't. During the winter, a month or two after K's hopsitalizations and once it became clear that she was going to improve, I couldn't move. I went to work and came home and by 8:30 pm, my mind was so clouded that I couldn't think. My body gave out on me. I attribute exercise as the only reason I did not end up ill.

At that point, K sent me away. She was worried that she wouldn't be able to make it without me, but it was m0re important to her that I leave so I could have a break. She sent me across the country to visit my closest friend. Before I left, we made sure our friends knew I would be gone and that K may require more from them.

Up to my trip (which was only 5 days) in February, K worried. She couldn't get out of bed the day before I left, because she was frightened of what would happen. Despite that, there was no talk of my canceling the trip.

But the anticipation was worse than the real thing. The day I left, she was fine. She worked all day and the next. When we talked on the phone, she was busy watching movies and not preoccupied at all by my absence.

It was after February that I can tell I started to recover. The worst had been over since New Year's and I began to trust that it wouldn't fall apart again. During that trip, I began to talk about what had been happening and I spent some time crying over the pain and difficulties we had gone through. I was ready to stop having to hold everything together and to believe that I could relax again.

What I am trying to say is that I am well aware of my moods and my need for time to recover. K worries that I am dwelling on what happened. She doesn't like any reminder that her illness put me through hell and that it caused me pain. I am supposed to be happy-go-lucky, not bruised and weakened. For me, it is more that I am working through the past months and putting them to rest. This blog is helping me put the emotions and events into a perspective.

Blondzila asked me to make sure to make time for myself and recuperate. I appreciate the concern and I am careful to take care of myself. I work out as a stress-reliever. I spend time with the dog. I meet up with friends for coffee or to have drinks and spend time together. Things allow me some time for myself.

One of the themes in these posts is that I'm not healed from these experiences. But K and I are both moving into the "well" spectrum. We are on the low end of "well", but we're moving up on the scale.

posted by synergy @ 2:08 PM